Pleading

Dr. Harris made his way over to Nate and I while we sitting next to Jack's isolette. He had a concerned look on his face. He told us Jack hadn't made any improvements in his white blood count so the meds they were giving him were not helping the issue. We asked him what the next steps were in finding out what was causing him to be so sick. He told us while doing rounds the doctors had talked about the possibility of meningitis. "Meningitis??? How could he have contracted this?", I thought. Nate asked him what their plans were for determining whether or not Jack, in fact, had meningitis. Dr. Harris looked at us and said. "We're going to have to proceed with a spinal tap to rule this diagnosis out." Nate and I locked eyes for a moment. I took a deep breath and said. "Okay."

While the staff were getting ready for the procedure, Nate stayed by Jack's isolette while I went to the pumping room. Nate asked if I wanted him to go with me and I said, "I need a few minutes by myself, baby. I need to clear my head." He gave me a hug and said, "Everything is going to be okay." I was trying very hard, at that moment, to believe that. I needed to believe that.

I made my way to the pumping room with my gear and closed the door behind me. I sat my bag on the chair and crumpled to the floor. I wrapped my hands around my head and started to rock back and forth. I felt completely helpless. I thought, "This could be the end. This could kill my baby." I sat up and looked to the ceiling and began to pray with tears rolling down my cheeks. I pleaded with God. I implored, "Please Jesus, don't take our sweet boy. Please Jesus, let us keep him." I repeated this prayer several times. Those words were the only thing I could muster. I felt, as if, my world was crashing down around me. I could hardly catch my breath. It felt like a thousand elephants sitting on my chest. I sat on the floor for several minutes just repeating and begging God to save Jack. That's when there was a knock on the door. It was Nate. He asked if I was okay and I replied, "Yes, I'm fine. I just need about ten more minutes." He said the staff were getting ready to start the procedure so he would be waiting for me in the hall. I said, "Okay, I'll be out soon." I stood up and sat in the chair and pleaded with God one last time before making my way to Nate.

As I left the pumping room I passed by C room where the procedure was taking place. There were several nurses and doctors surrounding Jack's tiny body conversing about what they were about to embark on. I sighed and thought to myself, "Brittny, God has Jack in His hands. He is the great physician and decides the plan for Jack's life." I walked out the double doors to the hallway where the love of my life stood. Nate turned to me and took me in his arms. Those arms that wrapped around me were my safe place. They were a place I could go when everything was falling to pieces around me. I knew that Nate was my rock and I was his.


The  peace I felt as I laid my head against Nate's chest was a peace that passes all understanding. A feeling that only God can give His children. A peace that He gave me because He heard my prayer. I knew He was holding me in that pumping room while I pleaded with Him to save my baby. What a comfort looking back that my father in heaven listened to the prayers of his child. He was there, He was present and He was going to glorify Himself in this situation.

Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

I pray for anyone who might be dealing with a trial in your life that you will heed this scripture. If we go to the Lord with our requests and worries He will take them upon Himself and deal with them according to His will. We might not always understand God's plans for your lives, but He does. He knows our past, our present and our futures. Be encouraged today and believe in magnificent miracles that only come from God Himself.

He is my sunshine

Not knowing that Jack was going to be born early, Nate had not taken any time off from work. He had to tie up some loose ends before he could be in St. Louis full time with us. My Dad also had to be back to work on Monday, so the boys headed for Decatur on Sunday afternoon. My mom and I walked our loves down to the parking garage and watched them as they drove away. I was sad that Nate had to leave but knowing that my mom would be with me gave me comfort. I knew that I didn't have to be strong for her, she would be strong for me.

After we watched the car turn around the corner we headed back up to the NICU floor for a bit before running to Target to get a few things for the Ronald McDonald House. The nurses on the floor had been able to reserve my Mom and I a room at the house. Living in a hotel room can get very expensive. The Ronald House is really amazing, in the fact, that they provide a place to live while your child is a patient in the hospital. It's really inexpensive to live there and has all the comforts of home. Nate and I would not have been able to stay with Jack in St. Louis had it not been for the Ronald House. We still, to this day, feel very fortunate that the RMH provides this service to the families of the Children's Hospital. It's a wonderful thing that they do.

Anyway, Mom and I stayed with Jack for awhile longer and told the nurses that we were going to leave for the night and be back in the morning. Mom and I both squeezed Jack's little hands and told him we loved him. I was looking forward to going to Target to be "normal" for a little bit. The NICU can make you feel disconnected from the outside world. As a parent, it can be a very lonely place among numerous sounds, activity and people. Target sounded like a dream to me.

Mom and I entered the store and started looking around. We made our way to the grocery aisles to pick up our staples that we would need for the week. We also went by the baby section of the store to look at clothes and other various items. It felt so nice to have just a moment to myself. It was a taste of freedom from the heavy burden that I had been carrying with me every second since Jack came into my world. But as soon as I would feel a little lighter the feelings of burden would crash down on me again. I thought to myself looking at a young mother with her baby, "I'm so jealous of you. I'm jealous that you get to walk around with your baby while mine is fighting for his life." As soon as I thought that I slapped myself across the face in my mind. It wasn't that young mothers fault that my baby was in the NICU. It wasn't her fault that she had a healthy pregnancy and delivered her baby full term. I also thought, "Brittny, you have no idea what she has been through in order to be holding her baby in Target. You need to get a grip!"

After being in Target for awhile Mom and I made our way to the check out and headed back to the Ronald House.  We ate dinner, changed into our pj's and made our way to the family room to watch tv for a bit. We were sitting on the couch next to each other and I looked at her and said, "Can I lay my head on your lap?" Mom replied, "Yes, you can baby girl." I laid my head down  and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and started to cry. It was too much. It was too much for my heart to handle. My Mom started running her fingers through my hair as if I were five years old again. In that moment, I could imagine how much she loved me. Her heart was breaking for me, while mine was breaking for Jack. I understood a little better the emotions of a mother. The abundant, never ceasing love that we have for our children goes beyond any other feeling you can have for another person. That love can make your day, it can make you smile or it can break your heart. The love between a mother and her child, is unlike any other love on this earth.

Even now, I would relive every second of Jack's journey to know and experience this love that has taken my heart captive. This love that makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me worried, makes me look at him in awe, makes me wonder what I ever did in my life to deserve him, makes me thankful, makes me  feel amazed, makes me proud, makes me want to be a better person, makes me protective, makes me crazy, makes me catch my breath, makes me see our world through his eyes. My Jack is the closest thing to perfection that I will ever find. He is my heart. Always and forever.

Connection

I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. All the lingo and fancy words the staff were using were too much for my brain to understand. Dr. Harris was throwing all of the medical terms around like Nate and I were supposed to know what he was talking about. The nurse standing beside me could see the terrified look on my face. She turned to me and said, "I know it seems like a lot right now, but it will get easier to understand what we are conveying to you. Just know, that Jack is in the best hands." Dr. Harris then took a breath and said, "We are concerned because Jack is very sick right now. We don't know what is causing his white blood count to be so high. I'm doing everything I can to figure it out." I thought to myself, "I have to trust this man. I have to know that God placed Jack here to get the best medical care possible." So, that's what we did. We trusted that God would use Dr. Harris' knowledge to help our baby.

Sunday morning I was trying to on all the clothes I had brought with me. My Mom looked at me and said, "Honey, we really need to go." I said, "I know, I just want to look my best for Jack." She giggled and said, "I think he will like whatever you decide to wear." My parents, Nate and I piled into the car and headed for the hospital. After a restless nights sleep I was so ready to see Jack. I couldn't wait to slip my hands through the sides of his isolette and caress his face. I wanted him to know that I hadn't left him. I wanted him to be reassured that his mommy and daddy were there with him.

Once we received our badges we got into the elevator and rode up to the NICU floor. We stepped off and checked into the front desk. After a few minutes the receptionist told us we could go back. As we rounded the corner to the C room I saw Jack's isolette. I took a deep breath and walked up to his side. I put my hands on top of the plastic and smiled. There he was. Still perfect, still alive. The nurse came up beside me and introduced herself. She said, "My name is Carolyn and I'm going to be Jack's nurse today. We have a big surprise for you. We would like for you to try to hold him today." Tears welled up in my eyes. I replied, "I'm actually going to be able to hold my baby?" Carolyn said, "Yes, we don't know how long he'll be able to stand being out of the isolette but we would like to try."

Carolyn pulled a chair over to the side of Jack's isolette. She had me sit down and ready myself for the moment that I had been waiting for. Carolyn and another nurse opened the side door of the isolette and started getting Jack ready to place in my arms. The transfer from isolette to Mommy's arms is very tricky. Jack had an IV, NG tube(eventually was used for feedings), leads on his chest and the pulse ox(monitors the amount of oxygen in the blood). The hardest piece of equipment to get around was the intubation tube. This tube was Jack's lifeline. The nurses took a few extra minutes to make sure that everything was in place for the big move. Carolyn looked at me and said, "Are you ready?" I took a deep breath and replied," You have no idea how ready I am."

Carolyn put both of her hands under Jack's body and lifted him. The other nurse took hold of the intubation tube. They counted to three and raised Jack out of the isolette. I lifted my arms to meet his small body and cradled him against my chest. I closed my eyes and began to cry. How do I describe the magnitude of that moment? That moment when I had my 2 lb. baby boy in my arms for the first time. The overwhelming feeling of gratitude to God for the few minutes that I had to hold my child. Not knowing what the future held for Jack, I knew those minutes that I was able to have him in my arms were priceless. There was nothing that could replace them.

After five minutes of holding Jack, Carolyn told me it was time to place him back into the isolette. His pulse ox was showing that it was causing him some stress so the nurses took him out of my arms and placed him in his bed. It was bittersweet. On one hand, I was so thankful that I was able to hold him. I was able to connect with him on a different level. On the other hand, I was a little disheartened. It was tough that someone had to tell me when I could hold my baby and for how long. That was when I had the first taste of feeling out of control when it came to caring for my child. As a parent, you want to be able pick up your baby up whenever you want. You want to be able to change their diaper and feed them when they need it. You want them to fall asleep on your chest and feel them take each breath.

It's difficult to watch from the sidelines as someone else cares for your child. The NICU world is not something I wish for anyone. It's heartbreaking, sad, confusing and emotionally exhausting. However, there is also glimpses of hope. Hearing from the nurses that your baby gained an ounce in weight, changing their diaper with help from the staff, taking their clothes back to the Ronald McDonald house and washing them in Dreft, sitting by their isolette watching them take each breath. Most of all, the times when you have your baby placed in your arms and hold them to your chest so they can hear the sound that became so familiar. Their mommy's heartbeat. Thank you, Jesus, for those small glimpses of hope.

The bond

Dr. Tsuda came in at 7:30am the next morning and told me, "You can leave." He gave me instructions on how I should take care of myself for the next few days. He said, "Just because I am letting you leave earlier than expected doesn't mean that you can act like you didn't just deliver your baby 24 hours ago." He looked at Nate and continued, "Make sure that she doesn't overdo it. You need to take care of her." Nate nodded and helped me get out of bed and into the shower. He kept coming in and checking on me, asking me if I was okay.  I replied, "Yes babe, I'm the same as I was 2 minutes ago. Thank you." He took Dr. Tsuda's demands very seriously. :)

After I was showered and ready to go the charge nurse had someone take me out to our car. As the nurse was wheeling me out I had a sad feeling come over me. I thought to myself, "Jack should be in my arms right this moment. Everyone passing us in the halls should be congratulating us on our new arrival. When we reach our car, Nate should take Jack from my arms and place him in his car seat. We should be driving home, where we should have family waiting for us with open arms." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. This was going to be the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn't think about what should have been. I had to think about the present. The fact of the matter was that I had to be strong. I had to be brave. I had to have faith. Not only for my husband but for the tiny person that waited for me. Jack couldn't afford for me to fall apart and wish for a different outcome. He needed me to be his mother. Strong, brave and full of faith. That's when I decided that I would put my feelings aside and be everything that Jack needed me to be.

After stopping by home to gather a few things, we were on the road to start a journey that would test our marriage and, most importantly, our faith in God. As I was looking out the window, this song by Mark Schultz came on the radio called He will Carry You. The lyrics summed up how I was feeling:

   I call, You hear me

I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

(Bridge)
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me

It was like God had spoke to me in my darkest hour. Even though, I had made a promise to myself that I was going to be all of these things that Jack needed from me I was still petrified, worried, anxious, sad, happy, shocked, numb. I think God uses different avenues of speaking to us. I needed those lyrics blasted in my ears to reassure me that God was in control. He knew what He was doing. He had Jack right where He wanted him. I needed to trust that. So, in that moment I did.

It was the afternoon before we reached the hospital. As we pulled into the parking garage, I couldn't wait any longer. I was beside myself. My dad was waiting for us at the entrance. He showed us to the front desk where we received a badge to wear while we were visiting. The woman at the front desk explained a few things to us and then sent us on our way. We rode the elevators up to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit floor. We stepped off the elevator and butterflies attacked my stomach. I felt nervous. I thought to myself, "I hope Jack likes me." It was like I was meeting Johnny Depp for the first time. We rounded the corner and checked in at the front desk. We had to sign in everytime we came to see him. The nurse would then call back to the room he was in and ask if we could come back. When the nurse made the call I thought to myself, "It's my baby. Why do I need permission to see MY baby." After the rule was explained, I understood it was to protect the tiny people. I was okay with it at that point. I had to be, I didn't have a choice. After a few minutes she received a call and said, "You can go back, the doctor would like to speak with you." The double doors opened and we walked into another world.

As we were escorted to the C room, the nurse pointed to Jack's corner. I felt such relief. I can't even explain it. My heart was whole. In that isolate lay the missing piece. I walked over to him. I put my hands on the plastic that separated us and looked in amazement. At that moment there was no one else in the room. It just us....Mommy and Jack. I was in love. I love that can not be explained. A love between a mother and her child. I asked if I could touch him. The nurse said, "Yes, you can put your hands through the holes on the side of the bed. He needs to be touched." As I slid my hands through the holes, I gently touched his hand and wrapped his fingers around mine and said, "Hi baby boy, it's mommy. You are so brave. I love you." When he heard my voice he moved and squeezed my fingers. I started to cry. He recognized my voice, He knew that I was there. He knew his mommy was there. 

I think back to those first couple of days and praise Jesus. Jack very well could not be here with us today. I could not be experiencing this magnificent little boy if God would have had different plans for his life. I praise my Jesus!!!! I thank Him for allowing Jack to stay with us. I thank Him for Jack's resilience, bravery, his will to fight for his life. I know all of those things came from God above. Most importantly, I am thankful for Jack's testimony and the way that God glorified Himself. Someone can not listened to Jack's story without believing that our God is real. He is alive and well. He is doing great things in the lives of those who love Him. My son, Jack, he's proof of that. He's proof that God still performs miracles. He's proof that when medicine says that something isn't possible God makes it possible. Jack's proof that through his little life nurses and doctors were impacted strongly by his families faith. When his family would pray about something he was facing, Jesus heard and healed him. Faith. Faith. Faith. My God is faithful!