We had planned to be in Pensacola for a few days for the wedding. What a nice getaway before our lives would change forever. I was excited to see my family and celebrate my cousin's big day. We had the absolute best time. Being able to relax for a few days without the hopeless feeling was unbelievable. I kept telling myself, "Everything is working out. God has allowed us to get an appointment very quickly with one of the best specialists. This is going to work." I honestly thought it would.
We got home from Florida on a Monday. Our appointment was scheduled for that Wednesday. So, all day Tuesday I was going out of mind. Excited, scared, thrilled, anxious and above all, ready to be pregnant. I, of course, had been praying that God would give Dr. Jarrett the wisdom and guidance to help us. I knew this was God's plan for us. I knew He wouldn't have made it so easy for us to get an appointment if He didn't want this man here on Earth to help us. I knew he would'nt have allowed our insurance to pay most of the infertility treatments if this wasn't His plan. Right?
I had previously talked with the woman in the office that took care of all the insurance needs. She had said that our insurance was a provider and so there wouldn't be any need to pay the day of our appointment. We would be billed for our co pay at a later time. She said to call the morning of the appointment and she would take a little info over the phone before we got there. That way the Dr. could see us sooner. I said, "Sounds like a plan."
Wednesday morning I was at peace. Nate and I had breakfast, got ready and hopped in the car to head to Champaign. We had to stop for gas before we left town, so I used that opportunity to call the office and follow the directions that I was given. I was put on hold while they were taking care of another patient. When the receptionist finally came back on the line these were her exact words, "I'm sorry, but after doing more investigation into your insurance we discovered that we are not a provider here in Illinois. We do except your insurance at our Indiana office." She said, "You will have to bring $250 with you if you want to be seen by the Dr."
I was completely silent. At this point, Nate had returned to the car. He got in and looked at me. He could tell something was not right. I looked at him with sadness and shook my head no. I told the nurse that we would have to reevaluate our situation and call back back at a later time. She said, "That's fine. Just let us know when we can try to help you again."
Once we got home, I went directly to our bedroom. I didn't take off my coat. I didn't take off my shoes. I curled onto our bed and wept. I thought, "Why is this over? How I am possibly going to have a baby if I don't have a doctor to help? I'm never going to be a mother. We were depending on insurance to help us. We don't have thousands of dollars to spend on treatments. I only have 6 months to have baby before my body completely fails me. I thought you were working this out, God. I thought you had this covered." That was the first of many pity parties that I would partake in over the next 6yrs.
Looking back I know what God was doing. Had we went to that appointment we would have wasted money. We would have wasted gas and would have wasted our time. You see, 5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. That was God's plan!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Journey begins
My doctor had always told me it wouldn't be an easy situation. At one point, in fact, she told she didn't think I would ever be able to have children. "Wow, really?, the only thing I have ever wanted to be in my life, and it's already over." I know for some 15 yr. olds it's not a big deal to hear, at that point, that you might never be a mother. For me, it was heart wrenching. How could this be over before it ever began?
Fast forward 6 yrs. when Nate and I actually started talking about having a family. I had chosen another OB, at this point, because I thought he would be able to help me. Maybe he could shed some new light on my condition that was never going to make me a mother. The appointment went well, but some new information was giving to me that rather surprised me. He told me that I had a very short window of time to conceive. Possibly 6 months before my baby factory was completely out of business. He told me to go on as normal and he would make us an appointment with an infertility specialist. He said, "There's nothing more that I can do."
We had plans to go to Florida a few weeks later for my cousin, Gentry's wedding. I was so excited to get away and take my mind off of my failing body. The Dr. had made us the appointment with the specialist, so I felt very at peace with everything. I felt like this was our last adventure before we put our big people pants on and welcomed our bun in the oven. Boy, was I so wrong about the adventure part. The adventure had just begun.
Fast forward 6 yrs. when Nate and I actually started talking about having a family. I had chosen another OB, at this point, because I thought he would be able to help me. Maybe he could shed some new light on my condition that was never going to make me a mother. The appointment went well, but some new information was giving to me that rather surprised me. He told me that I had a very short window of time to conceive. Possibly 6 months before my baby factory was completely out of business. He told me to go on as normal and he would make us an appointment with an infertility specialist. He said, "There's nothing more that I can do."
We had plans to go to Florida a few weeks later for my cousin, Gentry's wedding. I was so excited to get away and take my mind off of my failing body. The Dr. had made us the appointment with the specialist, so I felt very at peace with everything. I felt like this was our last adventure before we put our big people pants on and welcomed our bun in the oven. Boy, was I so wrong about the adventure part. The adventure had just begun.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
July 22, 2003
My parents had been praying for my future spouse since I was born. They had prayed that God would protect and keep him until the day we met. They prayed that God would prepare his heart for me and that he would be a man seeking after God. At the age when I understood that I would grow up and get married I, too, started praying for my husband. At that time I didn't know who he was, but it made feel excited about the fact that somewhere in the world I was praying for the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.
Once I reached 20, I knew I didn't want to casually date. I was seeking after God daily in prayer asking Him to bring my husband into my life. I had never met this man, but I missed him. I longed for him. I wanted to start me life with him. Only God knew that shortly after turning 20 I would meet and fall in love with my best friend.
I remember the night we met like it was yesterday. Turning down Rachel and Robert's street praying that if this guy was who God had intended for me that I would know when I looked in his eyes to say hello. Believe it or not, when he entered the house we locked eyes and I knew. This was the man I had been waiting for. This was the man that my parents prayed for. This was the man that I had missed and longed for. This was it.
After the evening was over, I went home. I entered the house and went to my parents room. I fell on their bed and sighed. I said very simply, "I met my husband tonight." And that was it. We started dating officially August 16, 2003 and became engaged on October 15, 2003. We were married the following year on August 21, 2004. When I tell people our story they always look a little taken back. I think because it moved rather quickly. But, I always say, "When you know, you know." I truly believe because I had been in prayer about this part of my life and trusting that God would bless me, He gave me the knowledge on that July evening of who I would spend my life with.
So, Nate. This is the name of the man that I have been blessed to call my husband. He is truly his own man. He doesn't apologize for his feelings, he is strong in his faith and he protects those he loves. People that first meet him always say, "He doesn't talk much, does he?" I always tell them I talk enough for both of us! :) The thing I love most about this man is his commitment to me. I have not always been the best wife or friend. I have not honored and respected him in the way he deserves. But, even in those very difficult days in our marriage his loyalty to me is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I don't think another man in this world could handle what I put him through. He will never understand the depth of my love and respect for him.
The way Nate has loved and forgiven me reminds me of God's love and forgiveness for all of us. Even when we daily fail Him, disrespect His sacrifice for us and throw His blessings in His face, God is loyal because He created and loves us. We don't deserve His love and forgiveness, but He gives it as a free gift if we'll take it.
Once I reached 20, I knew I didn't want to casually date. I was seeking after God daily in prayer asking Him to bring my husband into my life. I had never met this man, but I missed him. I longed for him. I wanted to start me life with him. Only God knew that shortly after turning 20 I would meet and fall in love with my best friend.
I remember the night we met like it was yesterday. Turning down Rachel and Robert's street praying that if this guy was who God had intended for me that I would know when I looked in his eyes to say hello. Believe it or not, when he entered the house we locked eyes and I knew. This was the man I had been waiting for. This was the man that my parents prayed for. This was the man that I had missed and longed for. This was it.
After the evening was over, I went home. I entered the house and went to my parents room. I fell on their bed and sighed. I said very simply, "I met my husband tonight." And that was it. We started dating officially August 16, 2003 and became engaged on October 15, 2003. We were married the following year on August 21, 2004. When I tell people our story they always look a little taken back. I think because it moved rather quickly. But, I always say, "When you know, you know." I truly believe because I had been in prayer about this part of my life and trusting that God would bless me, He gave me the knowledge on that July evening of who I would spend my life with.
So, Nate. This is the name of the man that I have been blessed to call my husband. He is truly his own man. He doesn't apologize for his feelings, he is strong in his faith and he protects those he loves. People that first meet him always say, "He doesn't talk much, does he?" I always tell them I talk enough for both of us! :) The thing I love most about this man is his commitment to me. I have not always been the best wife or friend. I have not honored and respected him in the way he deserves. But, even in those very difficult days in our marriage his loyalty to me is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I don't think another man in this world could handle what I put him through. He will never understand the depth of my love and respect for him.
The way Nate has loved and forgiven me reminds me of God's love and forgiveness for all of us. Even when we daily fail Him, disrespect His sacrifice for us and throw His blessings in His face, God is loyal because He created and loves us. We don't deserve His love and forgiveness, but He gives it as a free gift if we'll take it.
Here we go...
My journey starts 23 years ago when I was just 5. I was a little girl who didn't dream of being a doctor, a teacher or a lawyer. My aspirations were to marry the man that God had made just for me. We would be so in love, so happy. My tall, dark and handsome man would go to work and I would stay at home with our 4 children. I would have the perfect husband, perfect house and perfect children. Let's just say that what I thought God would give me, wasn't what He wanted to give me.
I wanted to start this blog because through my journey to motherhood it has been difficult, heartbreaking and sad. There have been many times during the last 6 years that I didn't understand God's plan for my family. But I also discovered God in a new way. His love is unfailing, He is merciful, forgiving and SO good to His children. I don't question Him any longer. I have learned to say, "It is well with my soul."
I feel that through the ashes God has brought beauty into my life. I see His beauty everyday in the faces of my husband and my miracle boy, Jack. I don't think I would have such an understanding of who God is, if He hadn't allowed me to experience the last 6 years of my life. I wouldn't appreciate my husband, my child and most of all, my Jesus. So, this is going to be a place to share my journey. Here we go...
I wanted to start this blog because through my journey to motherhood it has been difficult, heartbreaking and sad. There have been many times during the last 6 years that I didn't understand God's plan for my family. But I also discovered God in a new way. His love is unfailing, He is merciful, forgiving and SO good to His children. I don't question Him any longer. I have learned to say, "It is well with my soul."
I feel that through the ashes God has brought beauty into my life. I see His beauty everyday in the faces of my husband and my miracle boy, Jack. I don't think I would have such an understanding of who God is, if He hadn't allowed me to experience the last 6 years of my life. I wouldn't appreciate my husband, my child and most of all, my Jesus. So, this is going to be a place to share my journey. Here we go...
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