He is my sunshine

Not knowing that Jack was going to be born early, Nate had not taken any time off from work. He had to tie up some loose ends before he could be in St. Louis full time with us. My Dad also had to be back to work on Monday, so the boys headed for Decatur on Sunday afternoon. My mom and I walked our loves down to the parking garage and watched them as they drove away. I was sad that Nate had to leave but knowing that my mom would be with me gave me comfort. I knew that I didn't have to be strong for her, she would be strong for me.

After we watched the car turn around the corner we headed back up to the NICU floor for a bit before running to Target to get a few things for the Ronald McDonald House. The nurses on the floor had been able to reserve my Mom and I a room at the house. Living in a hotel room can get very expensive. The Ronald House is really amazing, in the fact, that they provide a place to live while your child is a patient in the hospital. It's really inexpensive to live there and has all the comforts of home. Nate and I would not have been able to stay with Jack in St. Louis had it not been for the Ronald House. We still, to this day, feel very fortunate that the RMH provides this service to the families of the Children's Hospital. It's a wonderful thing that they do.

Anyway, Mom and I stayed with Jack for awhile longer and told the nurses that we were going to leave for the night and be back in the morning. Mom and I both squeezed Jack's little hands and told him we loved him. I was looking forward to going to Target to be "normal" for a little bit. The NICU can make you feel disconnected from the outside world. As a parent, it can be a very lonely place among numerous sounds, activity and people. Target sounded like a dream to me.

Mom and I entered the store and started looking around. We made our way to the grocery aisles to pick up our staples that we would need for the week. We also went by the baby section of the store to look at clothes and other various items. It felt so nice to have just a moment to myself. It was a taste of freedom from the heavy burden that I had been carrying with me every second since Jack came into my world. But as soon as I would feel a little lighter the feelings of burden would crash down on me again. I thought to myself looking at a young mother with her baby, "I'm so jealous of you. I'm jealous that you get to walk around with your baby while mine is fighting for his life." As soon as I thought that I slapped myself across the face in my mind. It wasn't that young mothers fault that my baby was in the NICU. It wasn't her fault that she had a healthy pregnancy and delivered her baby full term. I also thought, "Brittny, you have no idea what she has been through in order to be holding her baby in Target. You need to get a grip!"

After being in Target for awhile Mom and I made our way to the check out and headed back to the Ronald House.  We ate dinner, changed into our pj's and made our way to the family room to watch tv for a bit. We were sitting on the couch next to each other and I looked at her and said, "Can I lay my head on your lap?" Mom replied, "Yes, you can baby girl." I laid my head down  and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and started to cry. It was too much. It was too much for my heart to handle. My Mom started running her fingers through my hair as if I were five years old again. In that moment, I could imagine how much she loved me. Her heart was breaking for me, while mine was breaking for Jack. I understood a little better the emotions of a mother. The abundant, never ceasing love that we have for our children goes beyond any other feeling you can have for another person. That love can make your day, it can make you smile or it can break your heart. The love between a mother and her child, is unlike any other love on this earth.

Even now, I would relive every second of Jack's journey to know and experience this love that has taken my heart captive. This love that makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me worried, makes me look at him in awe, makes me wonder what I ever did in my life to deserve him, makes me thankful, makes me  feel amazed, makes me proud, makes me want to be a better person, makes me protective, makes me crazy, makes me catch my breath, makes me see our world through his eyes. My Jack is the closest thing to perfection that I will ever find. He is my heart. Always and forever.