The bond

Dr. Tsuda came in at 7:30am the next morning and told me, "You can leave." He gave me instructions on how I should take care of myself for the next few days. He said, "Just because I am letting you leave earlier than expected doesn't mean that you can act like you didn't just deliver your baby 24 hours ago." He looked at Nate and continued, "Make sure that she doesn't overdo it. You need to take care of her." Nate nodded and helped me get out of bed and into the shower. He kept coming in and checking on me, asking me if I was okay.  I replied, "Yes babe, I'm the same as I was 2 minutes ago. Thank you." He took Dr. Tsuda's demands very seriously. :)

After I was showered and ready to go the charge nurse had someone take me out to our car. As the nurse was wheeling me out I had a sad feeling come over me. I thought to myself, "Jack should be in my arms right this moment. Everyone passing us in the halls should be congratulating us on our new arrival. When we reach our car, Nate should take Jack from my arms and place him in his car seat. We should be driving home, where we should have family waiting for us with open arms." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. This was going to be the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn't think about what should have been. I had to think about the present. The fact of the matter was that I had to be strong. I had to be brave. I had to have faith. Not only for my husband but for the tiny person that waited for me. Jack couldn't afford for me to fall apart and wish for a different outcome. He needed me to be his mother. Strong, brave and full of faith. That's when I decided that I would put my feelings aside and be everything that Jack needed me to be.

After stopping by home to gather a few things, we were on the road to start a journey that would test our marriage and, most importantly, our faith in God. As I was looking out the window, this song by Mark Schultz came on the radio called He will Carry You. The lyrics summed up how I was feeling:

   I call, You hear me

I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

(Bridge)
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me

It was like God had spoke to me in my darkest hour. Even though, I had made a promise to myself that I was going to be all of these things that Jack needed from me I was still petrified, worried, anxious, sad, happy, shocked, numb. I think God uses different avenues of speaking to us. I needed those lyrics blasted in my ears to reassure me that God was in control. He knew what He was doing. He had Jack right where He wanted him. I needed to trust that. So, in that moment I did.

It was the afternoon before we reached the hospital. As we pulled into the parking garage, I couldn't wait any longer. I was beside myself. My dad was waiting for us at the entrance. He showed us to the front desk where we received a badge to wear while we were visiting. The woman at the front desk explained a few things to us and then sent us on our way. We rode the elevators up to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit floor. We stepped off the elevator and butterflies attacked my stomach. I felt nervous. I thought to myself, "I hope Jack likes me." It was like I was meeting Johnny Depp for the first time. We rounded the corner and checked in at the front desk. We had to sign in everytime we came to see him. The nurse would then call back to the room he was in and ask if we could come back. When the nurse made the call I thought to myself, "It's my baby. Why do I need permission to see MY baby." After the rule was explained, I understood it was to protect the tiny people. I was okay with it at that point. I had to be, I didn't have a choice. After a few minutes she received a call and said, "You can go back, the doctor would like to speak with you." The double doors opened and we walked into another world.

As we were escorted to the C room, the nurse pointed to Jack's corner. I felt such relief. I can't even explain it. My heart was whole. In that isolate lay the missing piece. I walked over to him. I put my hands on the plastic that separated us and looked in amazement. At that moment there was no one else in the room. It just us....Mommy and Jack. I was in love. I love that can not be explained. A love between a mother and her child. I asked if I could touch him. The nurse said, "Yes, you can put your hands through the holes on the side of the bed. He needs to be touched." As I slid my hands through the holes, I gently touched his hand and wrapped his fingers around mine and said, "Hi baby boy, it's mommy. You are so brave. I love you." When he heard my voice he moved and squeezed my fingers. I started to cry. He recognized my voice, He knew that I was there. He knew his mommy was there. 

I think back to those first couple of days and praise Jesus. Jack very well could not be here with us today. I could not be experiencing this magnificent little boy if God would have had different plans for his life. I praise my Jesus!!!! I thank Him for allowing Jack to stay with us. I thank Him for Jack's resilience, bravery, his will to fight for his life. I know all of those things came from God above. Most importantly, I am thankful for Jack's testimony and the way that God glorified Himself. Someone can not listened to Jack's story without believing that our God is real. He is alive and well. He is doing great things in the lives of those who love Him. My son, Jack, he's proof of that. He's proof that God still performs miracles. He's proof that when medicine says that something isn't possible God makes it possible. Jack's proof that through his little life nurses and doctors were impacted strongly by his families faith. When his family would pray about something he was facing, Jesus heard and healed him. Faith. Faith. Faith. My God is faithful!