Longing

My Mom leaned over me and said, "As soon as, we get to St. Louis and talk with the doctors we'll call you, okay?" I answered, "Alright, be safe." We had decided that my parents would drive down to Children's and meet Jack there. Seeing that I couldn't leave the hospital yet. I had made arrangements with Dr. Tsuda, two minutes, after I delivered that I would be discharged the next morning. He told me as long as I did well through the night and didn't present any complications there would be no reason why I couldn't be discharged. I was thrilled. I was going to be able to be where my heart was.

When the flight nurses brought Jack to us in my hospital room to say goodbye, I still wasn't grasping the magnitude of the situation. I had a multitude of things scrambling in my head. Nate and I were both fish out of water when it came to being the new, proud parents of a micropreemie. The flight nurses were rambling various medical terms and telling us different procedures that they may have to engage in during the short flight to Children's. I kept nodding my head yes, like I understood what they were saying, but in my mind I was thinking, "I am clueless. I just delivered my 2 lb. baby two hours ago and you are talking to me about pic lines and intubation tubes!" As I touched Jack one last time before I entrusted these strangers with my baby, I whispered to him, "I love you, precious boy. You have made me so proud and you are only two hours old. I will see you tomorrow. Maw and Hoppa are going to be there with you so you have nothing to be afraid of." And within minutes he was gone.

Once all of our visitors left, I collapsed in exhaustion.  As I laid there in my hospital bed I kept forgetting that Jack wasn't inside of me. I would grab my stomach thinking I had felt him kick and then remember he wasn't there. This overwhelming feeling of longing would come over me and almost take my breath. This wasn't the way I had planned it. I was supposed be in the hospital three and half months from then with my baby in my arms. We should have had visitors that weren't crying out of fear that Jack may die, but that he was alive and healthy. Nate should have been able to sleep on the pull out couch, not sleeping in the hospital beds we pushed together so we could hold hands through the night and pray that our baby would be breathing when we finally reached him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Needless to say, with my mind running all night, I didn't sleep. I just wanted to be with Jack.