Dr. Harris made his way over to Nate and I while we sitting next to Jack's isolette. He had a concerned look on his face. He told us Jack hadn't made any improvements in his white blood count so the meds they were giving him were not helping the issue. We asked him what the next steps were in finding out what was causing him to be so sick. He told us while doing rounds the doctors had talked about the possibility of meningitis. "Meningitis??? How could he have contracted this?", I thought. Nate asked him what their plans were for determining whether or not Jack, in fact, had meningitis. Dr. Harris looked at us and said. "We're going to have to proceed with a spinal tap to rule this diagnosis out." Nate and I locked eyes for a moment. I took a deep breath and said. "Okay."
While the staff were getting ready for the procedure, Nate stayed by Jack's isolette while I went to the pumping room. Nate asked if I wanted him to go with me and I said, "I need a few minutes by myself, baby. I need to clear my head." He gave me a hug and said, "Everything is going to be okay." I was trying very hard, at that moment, to believe that. I needed to believe that.
I made my way to the pumping room with my gear and closed the door behind me. I sat my bag on the chair and crumpled to the floor. I wrapped my hands around my head and started to rock back and forth. I felt completely helpless. I thought, "This could be the end. This could kill my baby." I sat up and looked to the ceiling and began to pray with tears rolling down my cheeks. I pleaded with God. I implored, "Please Jesus, don't take our sweet boy. Please Jesus, let us keep him." I repeated this prayer several times. Those words were the only thing I could muster. I felt, as if, my world was crashing down around me. I could hardly catch my breath. It felt like a thousand elephants sitting on my chest. I sat on the floor for several minutes just repeating and begging God to save Jack. That's when there was a knock on the door. It was Nate. He asked if I was okay and I replied, "Yes, I'm fine. I just need about ten more minutes." He said the staff were getting ready to start the procedure so he would be waiting for me in the hall. I said, "Okay, I'll be out soon." I stood up and sat in the chair and pleaded with God one last time before making my way to Nate.
As I left the pumping room I passed by C room where the procedure was taking place. There were several nurses and doctors surrounding Jack's tiny body conversing about what they were about to embark on. I sighed and thought to myself, "Brittny, God has Jack in His hands. He is the great physician and decides the plan for Jack's life." I walked out the double doors to the hallway where the love of my life stood. Nate turned to me and took me in his arms. Those arms that wrapped around me were my safe place. They were a place I could go when everything was falling to pieces around me. I knew that Nate was my rock and I was his.
The peace I felt as I laid my head against Nate's chest was a peace that passes all understanding. A feeling that only God can give His children. A peace that He gave me because He heard my prayer. I knew He was holding me in that pumping room while I pleaded with Him to save my baby. What a comfort looking back that my father in heaven listened to the prayers of his child. He was there, He was present and He was going to glorify Himself in this situation.
Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
I pray for anyone who might be dealing with a trial in your life that you will heed this scripture. If we go to the Lord with our requests and worries He will take them upon Himself and deal with them according to His will. We might not always understand God's plans for your lives, but He does. He knows our past, our present and our futures. Be encouraged today and believe in magnificent miracles that only come from God Himself.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
He is my sunshine
Not knowing that Jack was going to be born early, Nate had not taken any time off from work. He had to tie up some loose ends before he could be in St. Louis full time with us. My Dad also had to be back to work on Monday, so the boys headed for Decatur on Sunday afternoon. My mom and I walked our loves down to the parking garage and watched them as they drove away. I was sad that Nate had to leave but knowing that my mom would be with me gave me comfort. I knew that I didn't have to be strong for her, she would be strong for me.
After we watched the car turn around the corner we headed back up to the NICU floor for a bit before running to Target to get a few things for the Ronald McDonald House. The nurses on the floor had been able to reserve my Mom and I a room at the house. Living in a hotel room can get very expensive. The Ronald House is really amazing, in the fact, that they provide a place to live while your child is a patient in the hospital. It's really inexpensive to live there and has all the comforts of home. Nate and I would not have been able to stay with Jack in St. Louis had it not been for the Ronald House. We still, to this day, feel very fortunate that the RMH provides this service to the families of the Children's Hospital. It's a wonderful thing that they do.
Anyway, Mom and I stayed with Jack for awhile longer and told the nurses that we were going to leave for the night and be back in the morning. Mom and I both squeezed Jack's little hands and told him we loved him. I was looking forward to going to Target to be "normal" for a little bit. The NICU can make you feel disconnected from the outside world. As a parent, it can be a very lonely place among numerous sounds, activity and people. Target sounded like a dream to me.
Mom and I entered the store and started looking around. We made our way to the grocery aisles to pick up our staples that we would need for the week. We also went by the baby section of the store to look at clothes and other various items. It felt so nice to have just a moment to myself. It was a taste of freedom from the heavy burden that I had been carrying with me every second since Jack came into my world. But as soon as I would feel a little lighter the feelings of burden would crash down on me again. I thought to myself looking at a young mother with her baby, "I'm so jealous of you. I'm jealous that you get to walk around with your baby while mine is fighting for his life." As soon as I thought that I slapped myself across the face in my mind. It wasn't that young mothers fault that my baby was in the NICU. It wasn't her fault that she had a healthy pregnancy and delivered her baby full term. I also thought, "Brittny, you have no idea what she has been through in order to be holding her baby in Target. You need to get a grip!"
After being in Target for awhile Mom and I made our way to the check out and headed back to the Ronald House. We ate dinner, changed into our pj's and made our way to the family room to watch tv for a bit. We were sitting on the couch next to each other and I looked at her and said, "Can I lay my head on your lap?" Mom replied, "Yes, you can baby girl." I laid my head down and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and started to cry. It was too much. It was too much for my heart to handle. My Mom started running her fingers through my hair as if I were five years old again. In that moment, I could imagine how much she loved me. Her heart was breaking for me, while mine was breaking for Jack. I understood a little better the emotions of a mother. The abundant, never ceasing love that we have for our children goes beyond any other feeling you can have for another person. That love can make your day, it can make you smile or it can break your heart. The love between a mother and her child, is unlike any other love on this earth.
Even now, I would relive every second of Jack's journey to know and experience this love that has taken my heart captive. This love that makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me worried, makes me look at him in awe, makes me wonder what I ever did in my life to deserve him, makes me thankful, makes me feel amazed, makes me proud, makes me want to be a better person, makes me protective, makes me crazy, makes me catch my breath, makes me see our world through his eyes. My Jack is the closest thing to perfection that I will ever find. He is my heart. Always and forever.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Connection
I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. All the lingo and fancy words the staff were using were too much for my brain to understand. Dr. Harris was throwing all of the medical terms around like Nate and I were supposed to know what he was talking about. The nurse standing beside me could see the terrified look on my face. She turned to me and said, "I know it seems like a lot right now, but it will get easier to understand what we are conveying to you. Just know, that Jack is in the best hands." Dr. Harris then took a breath and said, "We are concerned because Jack is very sick right now. We don't know what is causing his white blood count to be so high. I'm doing everything I can to figure it out." I thought to myself, "I have to trust this man. I have to know that God placed Jack here to get the best medical care possible." So, that's what we did. We trusted that God would use Dr. Harris' knowledge to help our baby.
Sunday morning I was trying to on all the clothes I had brought with me. My Mom looked at me and said, "Honey, we really need to go." I said, "I know, I just want to look my best for Jack." She giggled and said, "I think he will like whatever you decide to wear." My parents, Nate and I piled into the car and headed for the hospital. After a restless nights sleep I was so ready to see Jack. I couldn't wait to slip my hands through the sides of his isolette and caress his face. I wanted him to know that I hadn't left him. I wanted him to be reassured that his mommy and daddy were there with him.
Once we received our badges we got into the elevator and rode up to the NICU floor. We stepped off and checked into the front desk. After a few minutes the receptionist told us we could go back. As we rounded the corner to the C room I saw Jack's isolette. I took a deep breath and walked up to his side. I put my hands on top of the plastic and smiled. There he was. Still perfect, still alive. The nurse came up beside me and introduced herself. She said, "My name is Carolyn and I'm going to be Jack's nurse today. We have a big surprise for you. We would like for you to try to hold him today." Tears welled up in my eyes. I replied, "I'm actually going to be able to hold my baby?" Carolyn said, "Yes, we don't know how long he'll be able to stand being out of the isolette but we would like to try."
Carolyn pulled a chair over to the side of Jack's isolette. She had me sit down and ready myself for the moment that I had been waiting for. Carolyn and another nurse opened the side door of the isolette and started getting Jack ready to place in my arms. The transfer from isolette to Mommy's arms is very tricky. Jack had an IV, NG tube(eventually was used for feedings), leads on his chest and the pulse ox(monitors the amount of oxygen in the blood). The hardest piece of equipment to get around was the intubation tube. This tube was Jack's lifeline. The nurses took a few extra minutes to make sure that everything was in place for the big move. Carolyn looked at me and said, "Are you ready?" I took a deep breath and replied," You have no idea how ready I am."
Carolyn put both of her hands under Jack's body and lifted him. The other nurse took hold of the intubation tube. They counted to three and raised Jack out of the isolette. I lifted my arms to meet his small body and cradled him against my chest. I closed my eyes and began to cry. How do I describe the magnitude of that moment? That moment when I had my 2 lb. baby boy in my arms for the first time. The overwhelming feeling of gratitude to God for the few minutes that I had to hold my child. Not knowing what the future held for Jack, I knew those minutes that I was able to have him in my arms were priceless. There was nothing that could replace them.
After five minutes of holding Jack, Carolyn told me it was time to place him back into the isolette. His pulse ox was showing that it was causing him some stress so the nurses took him out of my arms and placed him in his bed. It was bittersweet. On one hand, I was so thankful that I was able to hold him. I was able to connect with him on a different level. On the other hand, I was a little disheartened. It was tough that someone had to tell me when I could hold my baby and for how long. That was when I had the first taste of feeling out of control when it came to caring for my child. As a parent, you want to be able pick up your baby up whenever you want. You want to be able to change their diaper and feed them when they need it. You want them to fall asleep on your chest and feel them take each breath.
It's difficult to watch from the sidelines as someone else cares for your child. The NICU world is not something I wish for anyone. It's heartbreaking, sad, confusing and emotionally exhausting. However, there is also glimpses of hope. Hearing from the nurses that your baby gained an ounce in weight, changing their diaper with help from the staff, taking their clothes back to the Ronald McDonald house and washing them in Dreft, sitting by their isolette watching them take each breath. Most of all, the times when you have your baby placed in your arms and hold them to your chest so they can hear the sound that became so familiar. Their mommy's heartbeat. Thank you, Jesus, for those small glimpses of hope.
Sunday morning I was trying to on all the clothes I had brought with me. My Mom looked at me and said, "Honey, we really need to go." I said, "I know, I just want to look my best for Jack." She giggled and said, "I think he will like whatever you decide to wear." My parents, Nate and I piled into the car and headed for the hospital. After a restless nights sleep I was so ready to see Jack. I couldn't wait to slip my hands through the sides of his isolette and caress his face. I wanted him to know that I hadn't left him. I wanted him to be reassured that his mommy and daddy were there with him.
Once we received our badges we got into the elevator and rode up to the NICU floor. We stepped off and checked into the front desk. After a few minutes the receptionist told us we could go back. As we rounded the corner to the C room I saw Jack's isolette. I took a deep breath and walked up to his side. I put my hands on top of the plastic and smiled. There he was. Still perfect, still alive. The nurse came up beside me and introduced herself. She said, "My name is Carolyn and I'm going to be Jack's nurse today. We have a big surprise for you. We would like for you to try to hold him today." Tears welled up in my eyes. I replied, "I'm actually going to be able to hold my baby?" Carolyn said, "Yes, we don't know how long he'll be able to stand being out of the isolette but we would like to try."
Carolyn pulled a chair over to the side of Jack's isolette. She had me sit down and ready myself for the moment that I had been waiting for. Carolyn and another nurse opened the side door of the isolette and started getting Jack ready to place in my arms. The transfer from isolette to Mommy's arms is very tricky. Jack had an IV, NG tube(eventually was used for feedings), leads on his chest and the pulse ox(monitors the amount of oxygen in the blood). The hardest piece of equipment to get around was the intubation tube. This tube was Jack's lifeline. The nurses took a few extra minutes to make sure that everything was in place for the big move. Carolyn looked at me and said, "Are you ready?" I took a deep breath and replied," You have no idea how ready I am."
Carolyn put both of her hands under Jack's body and lifted him. The other nurse took hold of the intubation tube. They counted to three and raised Jack out of the isolette. I lifted my arms to meet his small body and cradled him against my chest. I closed my eyes and began to cry. How do I describe the magnitude of that moment? That moment when I had my 2 lb. baby boy in my arms for the first time. The overwhelming feeling of gratitude to God for the few minutes that I had to hold my child. Not knowing what the future held for Jack, I knew those minutes that I was able to have him in my arms were priceless. There was nothing that could replace them.
After five minutes of holding Jack, Carolyn told me it was time to place him back into the isolette. His pulse ox was showing that it was causing him some stress so the nurses took him out of my arms and placed him in his bed. It was bittersweet. On one hand, I was so thankful that I was able to hold him. I was able to connect with him on a different level. On the other hand, I was a little disheartened. It was tough that someone had to tell me when I could hold my baby and for how long. That was when I had the first taste of feeling out of control when it came to caring for my child. As a parent, you want to be able pick up your baby up whenever you want. You want to be able to change their diaper and feed them when they need it. You want them to fall asleep on your chest and feel them take each breath.
It's difficult to watch from the sidelines as someone else cares for your child. The NICU world is not something I wish for anyone. It's heartbreaking, sad, confusing and emotionally exhausting. However, there is also glimpses of hope. Hearing from the nurses that your baby gained an ounce in weight, changing their diaper with help from the staff, taking their clothes back to the Ronald McDonald house and washing them in Dreft, sitting by their isolette watching them take each breath. Most of all, the times when you have your baby placed in your arms and hold them to your chest so they can hear the sound that became so familiar. Their mommy's heartbeat. Thank you, Jesus, for those small glimpses of hope.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The bond
Dr. Tsuda came in at 7:30am the next morning and told me, "You can leave." He gave me instructions on how I should take care of myself for the next few days. He said, "Just because I am letting you leave earlier than expected doesn't mean that you can act like you didn't just deliver your baby 24 hours ago." He looked at Nate and continued, "Make sure that she doesn't overdo it. You need to take care of her." Nate nodded and helped me get out of bed and into the shower. He kept coming in and checking on me, asking me if I was okay. I replied, "Yes babe, I'm the same as I was 2 minutes ago. Thank you." He took Dr. Tsuda's demands very seriously. :)
After I was showered and ready to go the charge nurse had someone take me out to our car. As the nurse was wheeling me out I had a sad feeling come over me. I thought to myself, "Jack should be in my arms right this moment. Everyone passing us in the halls should be congratulating us on our new arrival. When we reach our car, Nate should take Jack from my arms and place him in his car seat. We should be driving home, where we should have family waiting for us with open arms." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. This was going to be the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn't think about what should have been. I had to think about the present. The fact of the matter was that I had to be strong. I had to be brave. I had to have faith. Not only for my husband but for the tiny person that waited for me. Jack couldn't afford for me to fall apart and wish for a different outcome. He needed me to be his mother. Strong, brave and full of faith. That's when I decided that I would put my feelings aside and be everything that Jack needed me to be.
After stopping by home to gather a few things, we were on the road to start a journey that would test our marriage and, most importantly, our faith in God. As I was looking out the window, this song by Mark Schultz came on the radio called He will Carry You. The lyrics summed up how I was feeling:
I call, You hear me
It was the afternoon before we reached the hospital. As we pulled into the parking garage, I couldn't wait any longer. I was beside myself. My dad was waiting for us at the entrance. He showed us to the front desk where we received a badge to wear while we were visiting. The woman at the front desk explained a few things to us and then sent us on our way. We rode the elevators up to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit floor. We stepped off the elevator and butterflies attacked my stomach. I felt nervous. I thought to myself, "I hope Jack likes me." It was like I was meeting Johnny Depp for the first time. We rounded the corner and checked in at the front desk. We had to sign in everytime we came to see him. The nurse would then call back to the room he was in and ask if we could come back. When the nurse made the call I thought to myself, "It's my baby. Why do I need permission to see MY baby." After the rule was explained, I understood it was to protect the tiny people. I was okay with it at that point. I had to be, I didn't have a choice. After a few minutes she received a call and said, "You can go back, the doctor would like to speak with you." The double doors opened and we walked into another world.
As we were escorted to the C room, the nurse pointed to Jack's corner. I felt such relief. I can't even explain it. My heart was whole. In that isolate lay the missing piece. I walked over to him. I put my hands on the plastic that separated us and looked in amazement. At that moment there was no one else in the room. It just us....Mommy and Jack. I was in love. I love that can not be explained. A love between a mother and her child. I asked if I could touch him. The nurse said, "Yes, you can put your hands through the holes on the side of the bed. He needs to be touched." As I slid my hands through the holes, I gently touched his hand and wrapped his fingers around mine and said, "Hi baby boy, it's mommy. You are so brave. I love you." When he heard my voice he moved and squeezed my fingers. I started to cry. He recognized my voice, He knew that I was there. He knew his mommy was there.
I think back to those first couple of days and praise Jesus. Jack very well could not be here with us today. I could not be experiencing this magnificent little boy if God would have had different plans for his life. I praise my Jesus!!!! I thank Him for allowing Jack to stay with us. I thank Him for Jack's resilience, bravery, his will to fight for his life. I know all of those things came from God above. Most importantly, I am thankful for Jack's testimony and the way that God glorified Himself. Someone can not listened to Jack's story without believing that our God is real. He is alive and well. He is doing great things in the lives of those who love Him. My son, Jack, he's proof of that. He's proof that God still performs miracles. He's proof that when medicine says that something isn't possible God makes it possible. Jack's proof that through his little life nurses and doctors were impacted strongly by his families faith. When his family would pray about something he was facing, Jesus heard and healed him. Faith. Faith. Faith. My God is faithful!
After I was showered and ready to go the charge nurse had someone take me out to our car. As the nurse was wheeling me out I had a sad feeling come over me. I thought to myself, "Jack should be in my arms right this moment. Everyone passing us in the halls should be congratulating us on our new arrival. When we reach our car, Nate should take Jack from my arms and place him in his car seat. We should be driving home, where we should have family waiting for us with open arms." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. This was going to be the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn't think about what should have been. I had to think about the present. The fact of the matter was that I had to be strong. I had to be brave. I had to have faith. Not only for my husband but for the tiny person that waited for me. Jack couldn't afford for me to fall apart and wish for a different outcome. He needed me to be his mother. Strong, brave and full of faith. That's when I decided that I would put my feelings aside and be everything that Jack needed me to be.
After stopping by home to gather a few things, we were on the road to start a journey that would test our marriage and, most importantly, our faith in God. As I was looking out the window, this song by Mark Schultz came on the radio called He will Carry You. The lyrics summed up how I was feeling:
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
(Bridge)
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
(Bridge)
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me
It was like God had spoke to me in my darkest hour. Even though, I had made a promise to myself that I was going to be all of these things that Jack needed from me I was still petrified, worried, anxious, sad, happy, shocked, numb. I think God uses different avenues of speaking to us. I needed those lyrics blasted in my ears to reassure me that God was in control. He knew what He was doing. He had Jack right where He wanted him. I needed to trust that. So, in that moment I did.
It was the afternoon before we reached the hospital. As we pulled into the parking garage, I couldn't wait any longer. I was beside myself. My dad was waiting for us at the entrance. He showed us to the front desk where we received a badge to wear while we were visiting. The woman at the front desk explained a few things to us and then sent us on our way. We rode the elevators up to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit floor. We stepped off the elevator and butterflies attacked my stomach. I felt nervous. I thought to myself, "I hope Jack likes me." It was like I was meeting Johnny Depp for the first time. We rounded the corner and checked in at the front desk. We had to sign in everytime we came to see him. The nurse would then call back to the room he was in and ask if we could come back. When the nurse made the call I thought to myself, "It's my baby. Why do I need permission to see MY baby." After the rule was explained, I understood it was to protect the tiny people. I was okay with it at that point. I had to be, I didn't have a choice. After a few minutes she received a call and said, "You can go back, the doctor would like to speak with you." The double doors opened and we walked into another world.
As we were escorted to the C room, the nurse pointed to Jack's corner. I felt such relief. I can't even explain it. My heart was whole. In that isolate lay the missing piece. I walked over to him. I put my hands on the plastic that separated us and looked in amazement. At that moment there was no one else in the room. It just us....Mommy and Jack. I was in love. I love that can not be explained. A love between a mother and her child. I asked if I could touch him. The nurse said, "Yes, you can put your hands through the holes on the side of the bed. He needs to be touched." As I slid my hands through the holes, I gently touched his hand and wrapped his fingers around mine and said, "Hi baby boy, it's mommy. You are so brave. I love you." When he heard my voice he moved and squeezed my fingers. I started to cry. He recognized my voice, He knew that I was there. He knew his mommy was there.
I think back to those first couple of days and praise Jesus. Jack very well could not be here with us today. I could not be experiencing this magnificent little boy if God would have had different plans for his life. I praise my Jesus!!!! I thank Him for allowing Jack to stay with us. I thank Him for Jack's resilience, bravery, his will to fight for his life. I know all of those things came from God above. Most importantly, I am thankful for Jack's testimony and the way that God glorified Himself. Someone can not listened to Jack's story without believing that our God is real. He is alive and well. He is doing great things in the lives of those who love Him. My son, Jack, he's proof of that. He's proof that God still performs miracles. He's proof that when medicine says that something isn't possible God makes it possible. Jack's proof that through his little life nurses and doctors were impacted strongly by his families faith. When his family would pray about something he was facing, Jesus heard and healed him. Faith. Faith. Faith. My God is faithful!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Longing
My Mom leaned over me and said, "As soon as, we get to St. Louis and talk with the doctors we'll call you, okay?" I answered, "Alright, be safe." We had decided that my parents would drive down to Children's and meet Jack there. Seeing that I couldn't leave the hospital yet. I had made arrangements with Dr. Tsuda, two minutes, after I delivered that I would be discharged the next morning. He told me as long as I did well through the night and didn't present any complications there would be no reason why I couldn't be discharged. I was thrilled. I was going to be able to be where my heart was.
When the flight nurses brought Jack to us in my hospital room to say goodbye, I still wasn't grasping the magnitude of the situation. I had a multitude of things scrambling in my head. Nate and I were both fish out of water when it came to being the new, proud parents of a micropreemie. The flight nurses were rambling various medical terms and telling us different procedures that they may have to engage in during the short flight to Children's. I kept nodding my head yes, like I understood what they were saying, but in my mind I was thinking, "I am clueless. I just delivered my 2 lb. baby two hours ago and you are talking to me about pic lines and intubation tubes!" As I touched Jack one last time before I entrusted these strangers with my baby, I whispered to him, "I love you, precious boy. You have made me so proud and you are only two hours old. I will see you tomorrow. Maw and Hoppa are going to be there with you so you have nothing to be afraid of." And within minutes he was gone.
Once all of our visitors left, I collapsed in exhaustion. As I laid there in my hospital bed I kept forgetting that Jack wasn't inside of me. I would grab my stomach thinking I had felt him kick and then remember he wasn't there. This overwhelming feeling of longing would come over me and almost take my breath. This wasn't the way I had planned it. I was supposed be in the hospital three and half months from then with my baby in my arms. We should have had visitors that weren't crying out of fear that Jack may die, but that he was alive and healthy. Nate should have been able to sleep on the pull out couch, not sleeping in the hospital beds we pushed together so we could hold hands through the night and pray that our baby would be breathing when we finally reached him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Needless to say, with my mind running all night, I didn't sleep. I just wanted to be with Jack.
When the flight nurses brought Jack to us in my hospital room to say goodbye, I still wasn't grasping the magnitude of the situation. I had a multitude of things scrambling in my head. Nate and I were both fish out of water when it came to being the new, proud parents of a micropreemie. The flight nurses were rambling various medical terms and telling us different procedures that they may have to engage in during the short flight to Children's. I kept nodding my head yes, like I understood what they were saying, but in my mind I was thinking, "I am clueless. I just delivered my 2 lb. baby two hours ago and you are talking to me about pic lines and intubation tubes!" As I touched Jack one last time before I entrusted these strangers with my baby, I whispered to him, "I love you, precious boy. You have made me so proud and you are only two hours old. I will see you tomorrow. Maw and Hoppa are going to be there with you so you have nothing to be afraid of." And within minutes he was gone.
Once all of our visitors left, I collapsed in exhaustion. As I laid there in my hospital bed I kept forgetting that Jack wasn't inside of me. I would grab my stomach thinking I had felt him kick and then remember he wasn't there. This overwhelming feeling of longing would come over me and almost take my breath. This wasn't the way I had planned it. I was supposed be in the hospital three and half months from then with my baby in my arms. We should have had visitors that weren't crying out of fear that Jack may die, but that he was alive and healthy. Nate should have been able to sleep on the pull out couch, not sleeping in the hospital beds we pushed together so we could hold hands through the night and pray that our baby would be breathing when we finally reached him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Needless to say, with my mind running all night, I didn't sleep. I just wanted to be with Jack.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
26 weeks
Most of the time when you become pregnant you never think of anything but a perfect 9 months. You know that you will experience nausea, fatigue and bloating (weight gain). You go into your pregnancy looking forward to hearing their heartbeat for the first time. You look forward to the first time you feel them kick. You look forward to finding out if you'll have a son or daughter. You look forward to buying maternity clothes. But, most of all, you look forward to the moment when you tell your husband, "It's time,"
I didn't get the chance to experience the perfect 9 months. My 9 months were interrupted far too soon. We were able to hear our babies heartbeat. I was able to feel our baby kick. We were able to find out we were having a son. I did get the chance to wear maternity clothes for a month. What I didn't get to experience was telling my husband, "It's time." The nurse at DMH, with a terrified look on her face, told us it was time.
The day that changed me forever was November 4, 2005. It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. I had been feeling a little under the weather the previous week. I had called my Dr. to ask him if what I was experiencing was normal for someone who was 25 weeks along. The nurse reassured me that the Dr. thought my symptoms were normal. He said, "Someone going into their third trimester can sometimes have these symptoms. There's nothing you should be worried about." I felt like he was the professional, so I trusted his word. I knew in the back of my mind that something was not right. Call it mother's intuition.
I had to work the day of the 4th, so I got up and headed for the office. I worked for a plastic surgeon as a receptionist. Our duties consisted of making charts, checking in patients, dealing with insurance and other busy work. Luckily, the responsibilities were not strenuous. Within, an hour of being at the office I started having severe stomach pains. Stomach pains that took my breath. I would have one of these episodes and then stand back up and go about my business. I had 5 of these horrible pains before lunch. After I met my parents for a quick bite I headed back to work. Not really thinking much of what I had endured. Once I returned I started having the pains again. Only this time they were ten times worse than what I had previously experienced. As one of the nurses was walking by she saw me doubled over in pain. She came over to me and asked if I was okay. I said, "I'm fine, I think I have gas." LOL....really, gas? Man, was I wrong! She told me that she thought I needed to go see my OB. His office was in the next building. Looking back, I should have taken the time and listened to her. Instead I called my cousin, who is an OB nurse, and left her a message with my symptoms. I was hoping she could give me some insight into what was going on.
When I finally got off work I headed home. Nate soon followed. When he came in the house I was laying on the couch. Exhausted. He asked if I was okay and I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." A few minutes later Lee-Ann (my wonderful OB cousin who is a nurse) called and said, "You need to get in your car and go to the hospital right now!" I asked, "Why?" She said. "I think you're in preterm labor. You need to go right now." I said, "Okay." During the next few minutes it took me to get my shoes on Lee-Ann had called my Mom and tattled on me. So, the next phone call was my mother telling me, in a very stern voice, to get my butt in the vehicle and go to the hospital. She and my Dad would meet us there. I was still oblivious to what was truly going to be happening over the next few hours. How this little person inside of me would turn my world upside down.
Nate and I got into our car and made it to the hospital. We went to the OB floor, with my parents, and headed for the front desk. I walked up and said, "Lee-Ann thinks I am in preterm labor and she wants one of you to check me." One of girls behind the desk took me to a room and had me change into one of those adorable hospital gowns. She had me lay on the bed and said, "Another nurse will be in shortly." It wasn't 2 minutes and Sue, the other nurse, came in to see what was going on. The next few minutes are something I will never forget. While checking me her face became very concerned. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you are dilated at a 6." I looked at her and said, "What!" She then replied, "Dr. Byrkit is in the building so we're going to have her come up and check you also. We're paging Dr. Tsuda right now." I looked at Nate and he had no expression. We locked eyes and I could see the fear.
Dr. Byrkit was on the OB floor within a flash. She came in like a lightening bolt. Every single person in that room moved out of her way like they were the parted sea. She came to the bedside and checked me. The Dr. looked in my eyes and said, "You're having this baby tonight. You're not dilated 6, you're at a 9." She was gone before I knew it. Sue started my IV and they gave me steroids for Jack's lungs, hoping it would help his outcome a little. By this time, Dr. Tsuda had came in and assessed the situation. He looked at Sue and said, "We need to prep the OR for delivery. Call Dr. Eftekari so he can be here when she delivers." I asked him if I was going to have a C-section. He said. "No, you're going to do it the old fashioned way." And walked out.
My head was spinning. Nate was still sitting beside me. I told him to go out and tell Mom and Dad what was going to be happening. I also asked him to make a few calls to family and friends. He gave me a long kiss on my forehead and left the room. I was alone. I put my hands on my stomach and closed my eyes. Very softly I whispered to Jack, "It's just you and me, baby. You have to be strong for mommy. You have to fight for mommy. You have to live for mommy. I need you to live for mommy." It's unbelievable the peace that overcame me at this point. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't sad. I was ready. I knew I had to be ready.
When the nurses wheeled me out to take me to the OR I saw the faces of my family. My Mom, my Dad, my in-laws. They were all there, but they looked petrified. I saw my cousin, Lee-Ann, and I had comfort when I saw her. She told me that everything was going to be okay. I looked at her and thought, "I know." I was blessed enough to have her in the OR to help me push and get Jack out as quickly as possible. I needed to get him out. At one point I looked at Lee and said, "I'm going to pass out, I'm going to pass out." She firmly said, "No, you're not. You push him out, Brittny. You can do this." After 20 minutes of pushing, at 5:59 pm weighing 2.7 lbs., my reason for being on this Earth came into my world. Dr. Tsuda held Jack up for me to see before they whisked him away to stabilize him. When I saw his face I got a glimpse of perfection at it's finest. He was small but, oh, was he perfect. At that moment I knew exactly what my Mom meant when she said, "You'll never understand how much I love you until you have your own baby." She was so right. I had immediate, unconditional love for this child that had already made me a better person.
Lee-Ann had followed Jack into the level 2 area of the nursery. She back into the OR a few minutes later with tears in her eyes and a big smile. She said, "He cried, Brit." I felt tears well up in my eyes. Jack had listened to his mommy. He was strong, he was brave and he was fighting for his life.
After about an hour we were able to go see Jack in the level 2 nursery. As I held Jack's tiny hand in mine I prayed to myself, "God, you have outdone yourself this time. What ever did I do in my life to deserve the blessing of being this perfect child's mother? Give us strength for what lies ahead of us. Whatever you choose, life or death, for our baby I will praise You and thank You for, at least, having this precious time with him." I think back to those first moments of Jack's life. They were scary. They were uncertain. They were heartbreaking watching Jack fight for his life. They were also joyful. There was thankfulness. Above all else, there was hope and faith. A hope and faith that passes all understanding. A hope and faith that only comes from the one who gives life. Jesus.
I didn't get the chance to experience the perfect 9 months. My 9 months were interrupted far too soon. We were able to hear our babies heartbeat. I was able to feel our baby kick. We were able to find out we were having a son. I did get the chance to wear maternity clothes for a month. What I didn't get to experience was telling my husband, "It's time." The nurse at DMH, with a terrified look on her face, told us it was time.
The day that changed me forever was November 4, 2005. It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. I had been feeling a little under the weather the previous week. I had called my Dr. to ask him if what I was experiencing was normal for someone who was 25 weeks along. The nurse reassured me that the Dr. thought my symptoms were normal. He said, "Someone going into their third trimester can sometimes have these symptoms. There's nothing you should be worried about." I felt like he was the professional, so I trusted his word. I knew in the back of my mind that something was not right. Call it mother's intuition.
I had to work the day of the 4th, so I got up and headed for the office. I worked for a plastic surgeon as a receptionist. Our duties consisted of making charts, checking in patients, dealing with insurance and other busy work. Luckily, the responsibilities were not strenuous. Within, an hour of being at the office I started having severe stomach pains. Stomach pains that took my breath. I would have one of these episodes and then stand back up and go about my business. I had 5 of these horrible pains before lunch. After I met my parents for a quick bite I headed back to work. Not really thinking much of what I had endured. Once I returned I started having the pains again. Only this time they were ten times worse than what I had previously experienced. As one of the nurses was walking by she saw me doubled over in pain. She came over to me and asked if I was okay. I said, "I'm fine, I think I have gas." LOL....really, gas? Man, was I wrong! She told me that she thought I needed to go see my OB. His office was in the next building. Looking back, I should have taken the time and listened to her. Instead I called my cousin, who is an OB nurse, and left her a message with my symptoms. I was hoping she could give me some insight into what was going on.
When I finally got off work I headed home. Nate soon followed. When he came in the house I was laying on the couch. Exhausted. He asked if I was okay and I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." A few minutes later Lee-Ann (my wonderful OB cousin who is a nurse) called and said, "You need to get in your car and go to the hospital right now!" I asked, "Why?" She said. "I think you're in preterm labor. You need to go right now." I said, "Okay." During the next few minutes it took me to get my shoes on Lee-Ann had called my Mom and tattled on me. So, the next phone call was my mother telling me, in a very stern voice, to get my butt in the vehicle and go to the hospital. She and my Dad would meet us there. I was still oblivious to what was truly going to be happening over the next few hours. How this little person inside of me would turn my world upside down.
Nate and I got into our car and made it to the hospital. We went to the OB floor, with my parents, and headed for the front desk. I walked up and said, "Lee-Ann thinks I am in preterm labor and she wants one of you to check me." One of girls behind the desk took me to a room and had me change into one of those adorable hospital gowns. She had me lay on the bed and said, "Another nurse will be in shortly." It wasn't 2 minutes and Sue, the other nurse, came in to see what was going on. The next few minutes are something I will never forget. While checking me her face became very concerned. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you are dilated at a 6." I looked at her and said, "What!" She then replied, "Dr. Byrkit is in the building so we're going to have her come up and check you also. We're paging Dr. Tsuda right now." I looked at Nate and he had no expression. We locked eyes and I could see the fear.
Dr. Byrkit was on the OB floor within a flash. She came in like a lightening bolt. Every single person in that room moved out of her way like they were the parted sea. She came to the bedside and checked me. The Dr. looked in my eyes and said, "You're having this baby tonight. You're not dilated 6, you're at a 9." She was gone before I knew it. Sue started my IV and they gave me steroids for Jack's lungs, hoping it would help his outcome a little. By this time, Dr. Tsuda had came in and assessed the situation. He looked at Sue and said, "We need to prep the OR for delivery. Call Dr. Eftekari so he can be here when she delivers." I asked him if I was going to have a C-section. He said. "No, you're going to do it the old fashioned way." And walked out.
My head was spinning. Nate was still sitting beside me. I told him to go out and tell Mom and Dad what was going to be happening. I also asked him to make a few calls to family and friends. He gave me a long kiss on my forehead and left the room. I was alone. I put my hands on my stomach and closed my eyes. Very softly I whispered to Jack, "It's just you and me, baby. You have to be strong for mommy. You have to fight for mommy. You have to live for mommy. I need you to live for mommy." It's unbelievable the peace that overcame me at this point. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't sad. I was ready. I knew I had to be ready.
When the nurses wheeled me out to take me to the OR I saw the faces of my family. My Mom, my Dad, my in-laws. They were all there, but they looked petrified. I saw my cousin, Lee-Ann, and I had comfort when I saw her. She told me that everything was going to be okay. I looked at her and thought, "I know." I was blessed enough to have her in the OR to help me push and get Jack out as quickly as possible. I needed to get him out. At one point I looked at Lee and said, "I'm going to pass out, I'm going to pass out." She firmly said, "No, you're not. You push him out, Brittny. You can do this." After 20 minutes of pushing, at 5:59 pm weighing 2.7 lbs., my reason for being on this Earth came into my world. Dr. Tsuda held Jack up for me to see before they whisked him away to stabilize him. When I saw his face I got a glimpse of perfection at it's finest. He was small but, oh, was he perfect. At that moment I knew exactly what my Mom meant when she said, "You'll never understand how much I love you until you have your own baby." She was so right. I had immediate, unconditional love for this child that had already made me a better person.
Lee-Ann had followed Jack into the level 2 area of the nursery. She back into the OR a few minutes later with tears in her eyes and a big smile. She said, "He cried, Brit." I felt tears well up in my eyes. Jack had listened to his mommy. He was strong, he was brave and he was fighting for his life.
After about an hour we were able to go see Jack in the level 2 nursery. As I held Jack's tiny hand in mine I prayed to myself, "God, you have outdone yourself this time. What ever did I do in my life to deserve the blessing of being this perfect child's mother? Give us strength for what lies ahead of us. Whatever you choose, life or death, for our baby I will praise You and thank You for, at least, having this precious time with him." I think back to those first moments of Jack's life. They were scary. They were uncertain. They were heartbreaking watching Jack fight for his life. They were also joyful. There was thankfulness. Above all else, there was hope and faith. A hope and faith that passes all understanding. A hope and faith that only comes from the one who gives life. Jesus.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Over the moon
A few weeks before we got the big surprise I had been feeling a little under the weather. I kept taking tests thinking to myself, "Maybe I am pregnant." Every single one was a BIG negative. Which anyone who wants to be become pregnant knows, that negative sign is a like being shot in the foot. So, after making the EPT pregnancy test company lots of money I decided that it was time to stop taking a test every single day. I wasn't pregnant.
We had big plans for the weekend of June 4th. Our very good friends, Kristin and Dan, were getting married. Of course, being involved in the wedding we had the rehearsal dinner on that Friday night, June 3rd. I woke up that morning feeling refreshed. I didn't feel sick and had lots of energy. I fed our cat, Beleg, and headed to the bathroom. I thought, "You know, I have one more test in the cabinet and it won't hurt in taking it. You never know." Boy, was I in for a surprise.
After taking the test I sat it on the counter. Beleg HAD to follow me into the bathroom, so I was talking to him. The test was one that had the digital Not pregnant or pregnant screen on it. When I took the test in my hand I froze. It said PREGNANT!!! In big, bold black letters. I almost fell off of the toilet in disbelief. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "YEE HAW." Then stood up with my pants around my ankles and did a happy dance. At this point, Beleg had headed for the hills because I scared him half to death. I then began to weep. I mean weep, like not being able to catch my breath or utter a word.
The next few minutes I remember as if it were yesterday. I put my hands in the air and cried out to God. I said, "Jesus, thank you. Thank you for this life that you placed inside of me. Thank you for the chance to be a mother. Thank you for believing that Nate and I can raise this child to know you. Lord, forgive me for doubting you and your ability to do the impossible. Jesus, you are so good to me." He had done it. He had done the impossible. Even when the doctors said that Nate and I wouldn't be able to this on our own. That day God showed who truly gives life.
After I pulled my pants up (Yes, I did all of the above with my pants around my ankles) I grabbed our cat and squeezed him as hard as I could. I think his eyeballs might have popped out of their sockets. Not sure. I quickly picked up the phone and called the other person that's life was about to change forever. Nate picked up the phone and said, "Hey babe." I just began to cry and said, "I'm pregnant." His next words were, "Are you sure?" I almost wanted to laugh. I said, "Yes, I'm sure. The test was positive." He was thrilled but, I think, a little taken back. We didn't think that this could happen. We never thought in a million years that we would be able to do this on our own. I think, looking back, I put to much trust in what the doctors said then believing that our wonderful savior could do this on HIS own. The only help we needed was trusting the One who gives and takes life.
My favorite versus from the bible are from Psalm 139 13-16:
3 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I believed that my baby was given to me from our beloved Jesus. He had created that miracle inside of me. He had knit that child together in my womb. Above all else, he had fearfully and wonderfully made this little person that I could call my own.
We had big plans for the weekend of June 4th. Our very good friends, Kristin and Dan, were getting married. Of course, being involved in the wedding we had the rehearsal dinner on that Friday night, June 3rd. I woke up that morning feeling refreshed. I didn't feel sick and had lots of energy. I fed our cat, Beleg, and headed to the bathroom. I thought, "You know, I have one more test in the cabinet and it won't hurt in taking it. You never know." Boy, was I in for a surprise.
After taking the test I sat it on the counter. Beleg HAD to follow me into the bathroom, so I was talking to him. The test was one that had the digital Not pregnant or pregnant screen on it. When I took the test in my hand I froze. It said PREGNANT!!! In big, bold black letters. I almost fell off of the toilet in disbelief. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "YEE HAW." Then stood up with my pants around my ankles and did a happy dance. At this point, Beleg had headed for the hills because I scared him half to death. I then began to weep. I mean weep, like not being able to catch my breath or utter a word.
The next few minutes I remember as if it were yesterday. I put my hands in the air and cried out to God. I said, "Jesus, thank you. Thank you for this life that you placed inside of me. Thank you for the chance to be a mother. Thank you for believing that Nate and I can raise this child to know you. Lord, forgive me for doubting you and your ability to do the impossible. Jesus, you are so good to me." He had done it. He had done the impossible. Even when the doctors said that Nate and I wouldn't be able to this on our own. That day God showed who truly gives life.
After I pulled my pants up (Yes, I did all of the above with my pants around my ankles) I grabbed our cat and squeezed him as hard as I could. I think his eyeballs might have popped out of their sockets. Not sure. I quickly picked up the phone and called the other person that's life was about to change forever. Nate picked up the phone and said, "Hey babe." I just began to cry and said, "I'm pregnant." His next words were, "Are you sure?" I almost wanted to laugh. I said, "Yes, I'm sure. The test was positive." He was thrilled but, I think, a little taken back. We didn't think that this could happen. We never thought in a million years that we would be able to do this on our own. I think, looking back, I put to much trust in what the doctors said then believing that our wonderful savior could do this on HIS own. The only help we needed was trusting the One who gives and takes life.
My favorite versus from the bible are from Psalm 139 13-16:
3 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I believed that my baby was given to me from our beloved Jesus. He had created that miracle inside of me. He had knit that child together in my womb. Above all else, he had fearfully and wonderfully made this little person that I could call my own.
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