My Mom leaned over me and said, "As soon as, we get to St. Louis and talk with the doctors we'll call you, okay?" I answered, "Alright, be safe." We had decided that my parents would drive down to Children's and meet Jack there. Seeing that I couldn't leave the hospital yet. I had made arrangements with Dr. Tsuda, two minutes, after I delivered that I would be discharged the next morning. He told me as long as I did well through the night and didn't present any complications there would be no reason why I couldn't be discharged. I was thrilled. I was going to be able to be where my heart was.
When the flight nurses brought Jack to us in my hospital room to say goodbye, I still wasn't grasping the magnitude of the situation. I had a multitude of things scrambling in my head. Nate and I were both fish out of water when it came to being the new, proud parents of a micropreemie. The flight nurses were rambling various medical terms and telling us different procedures that they may have to engage in during the short flight to Children's. I kept nodding my head yes, like I understood what they were saying, but in my mind I was thinking, "I am clueless. I just delivered my 2 lb. baby two hours ago and you are talking to me about pic lines and intubation tubes!" As I touched Jack one last time before I entrusted these strangers with my baby, I whispered to him, "I love you, precious boy. You have made me so proud and you are only two hours old. I will see you tomorrow. Maw and Hoppa are going to be there with you so you have nothing to be afraid of." And within minutes he was gone.
Once all of our visitors left, I collapsed in exhaustion. As I laid there in my hospital bed I kept forgetting that Jack wasn't inside of me. I would grab my stomach thinking I had felt him kick and then remember he wasn't there. This overwhelming feeling of longing would come over me and almost take my breath. This wasn't the way I had planned it. I was supposed be in the hospital three and half months from then with my baby in my arms. We should have had visitors that weren't crying out of fear that Jack may die, but that he was alive and healthy. Nate should have been able to sleep on the pull out couch, not sleeping in the hospital beds we pushed together so we could hold hands through the night and pray that our baby would be breathing when we finally reached him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Needless to say, with my mind running all night, I didn't sleep. I just wanted to be with Jack.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
26 weeks
Most of the time when you become pregnant you never think of anything but a perfect 9 months. You know that you will experience nausea, fatigue and bloating (weight gain). You go into your pregnancy looking forward to hearing their heartbeat for the first time. You look forward to the first time you feel them kick. You look forward to finding out if you'll have a son or daughter. You look forward to buying maternity clothes. But, most of all, you look forward to the moment when you tell your husband, "It's time,"
I didn't get the chance to experience the perfect 9 months. My 9 months were interrupted far too soon. We were able to hear our babies heartbeat. I was able to feel our baby kick. We were able to find out we were having a son. I did get the chance to wear maternity clothes for a month. What I didn't get to experience was telling my husband, "It's time." The nurse at DMH, with a terrified look on her face, told us it was time.
The day that changed me forever was November 4, 2005. It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. I had been feeling a little under the weather the previous week. I had called my Dr. to ask him if what I was experiencing was normal for someone who was 25 weeks along. The nurse reassured me that the Dr. thought my symptoms were normal. He said, "Someone going into their third trimester can sometimes have these symptoms. There's nothing you should be worried about." I felt like he was the professional, so I trusted his word. I knew in the back of my mind that something was not right. Call it mother's intuition.
I had to work the day of the 4th, so I got up and headed for the office. I worked for a plastic surgeon as a receptionist. Our duties consisted of making charts, checking in patients, dealing with insurance and other busy work. Luckily, the responsibilities were not strenuous. Within, an hour of being at the office I started having severe stomach pains. Stomach pains that took my breath. I would have one of these episodes and then stand back up and go about my business. I had 5 of these horrible pains before lunch. After I met my parents for a quick bite I headed back to work. Not really thinking much of what I had endured. Once I returned I started having the pains again. Only this time they were ten times worse than what I had previously experienced. As one of the nurses was walking by she saw me doubled over in pain. She came over to me and asked if I was okay. I said, "I'm fine, I think I have gas." LOL....really, gas? Man, was I wrong! She told me that she thought I needed to go see my OB. His office was in the next building. Looking back, I should have taken the time and listened to her. Instead I called my cousin, who is an OB nurse, and left her a message with my symptoms. I was hoping she could give me some insight into what was going on.
When I finally got off work I headed home. Nate soon followed. When he came in the house I was laying on the couch. Exhausted. He asked if I was okay and I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." A few minutes later Lee-Ann (my wonderful OB cousin who is a nurse) called and said, "You need to get in your car and go to the hospital right now!" I asked, "Why?" She said. "I think you're in preterm labor. You need to go right now." I said, "Okay." During the next few minutes it took me to get my shoes on Lee-Ann had called my Mom and tattled on me. So, the next phone call was my mother telling me, in a very stern voice, to get my butt in the vehicle and go to the hospital. She and my Dad would meet us there. I was still oblivious to what was truly going to be happening over the next few hours. How this little person inside of me would turn my world upside down.
Nate and I got into our car and made it to the hospital. We went to the OB floor, with my parents, and headed for the front desk. I walked up and said, "Lee-Ann thinks I am in preterm labor and she wants one of you to check me." One of girls behind the desk took me to a room and had me change into one of those adorable hospital gowns. She had me lay on the bed and said, "Another nurse will be in shortly." It wasn't 2 minutes and Sue, the other nurse, came in to see what was going on. The next few minutes are something I will never forget. While checking me her face became very concerned. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you are dilated at a 6." I looked at her and said, "What!" She then replied, "Dr. Byrkit is in the building so we're going to have her come up and check you also. We're paging Dr. Tsuda right now." I looked at Nate and he had no expression. We locked eyes and I could see the fear.
Dr. Byrkit was on the OB floor within a flash. She came in like a lightening bolt. Every single person in that room moved out of her way like they were the parted sea. She came to the bedside and checked me. The Dr. looked in my eyes and said, "You're having this baby tonight. You're not dilated 6, you're at a 9." She was gone before I knew it. Sue started my IV and they gave me steroids for Jack's lungs, hoping it would help his outcome a little. By this time, Dr. Tsuda had came in and assessed the situation. He looked at Sue and said, "We need to prep the OR for delivery. Call Dr. Eftekari so he can be here when she delivers." I asked him if I was going to have a C-section. He said. "No, you're going to do it the old fashioned way." And walked out.
My head was spinning. Nate was still sitting beside me. I told him to go out and tell Mom and Dad what was going to be happening. I also asked him to make a few calls to family and friends. He gave me a long kiss on my forehead and left the room. I was alone. I put my hands on my stomach and closed my eyes. Very softly I whispered to Jack, "It's just you and me, baby. You have to be strong for mommy. You have to fight for mommy. You have to live for mommy. I need you to live for mommy." It's unbelievable the peace that overcame me at this point. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't sad. I was ready. I knew I had to be ready.
When the nurses wheeled me out to take me to the OR I saw the faces of my family. My Mom, my Dad, my in-laws. They were all there, but they looked petrified. I saw my cousin, Lee-Ann, and I had comfort when I saw her. She told me that everything was going to be okay. I looked at her and thought, "I know." I was blessed enough to have her in the OR to help me push and get Jack out as quickly as possible. I needed to get him out. At one point I looked at Lee and said, "I'm going to pass out, I'm going to pass out." She firmly said, "No, you're not. You push him out, Brittny. You can do this." After 20 minutes of pushing, at 5:59 pm weighing 2.7 lbs., my reason for being on this Earth came into my world. Dr. Tsuda held Jack up for me to see before they whisked him away to stabilize him. When I saw his face I got a glimpse of perfection at it's finest. He was small but, oh, was he perfect. At that moment I knew exactly what my Mom meant when she said, "You'll never understand how much I love you until you have your own baby." She was so right. I had immediate, unconditional love for this child that had already made me a better person.
Lee-Ann had followed Jack into the level 2 area of the nursery. She back into the OR a few minutes later with tears in her eyes and a big smile. She said, "He cried, Brit." I felt tears well up in my eyes. Jack had listened to his mommy. He was strong, he was brave and he was fighting for his life.
After about an hour we were able to go see Jack in the level 2 nursery. As I held Jack's tiny hand in mine I prayed to myself, "God, you have outdone yourself this time. What ever did I do in my life to deserve the blessing of being this perfect child's mother? Give us strength for what lies ahead of us. Whatever you choose, life or death, for our baby I will praise You and thank You for, at least, having this precious time with him." I think back to those first moments of Jack's life. They were scary. They were uncertain. They were heartbreaking watching Jack fight for his life. They were also joyful. There was thankfulness. Above all else, there was hope and faith. A hope and faith that passes all understanding. A hope and faith that only comes from the one who gives life. Jesus.
I didn't get the chance to experience the perfect 9 months. My 9 months were interrupted far too soon. We were able to hear our babies heartbeat. I was able to feel our baby kick. We were able to find out we were having a son. I did get the chance to wear maternity clothes for a month. What I didn't get to experience was telling my husband, "It's time." The nurse at DMH, with a terrified look on her face, told us it was time.
The day that changed me forever was November 4, 2005. It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. I had been feeling a little under the weather the previous week. I had called my Dr. to ask him if what I was experiencing was normal for someone who was 25 weeks along. The nurse reassured me that the Dr. thought my symptoms were normal. He said, "Someone going into their third trimester can sometimes have these symptoms. There's nothing you should be worried about." I felt like he was the professional, so I trusted his word. I knew in the back of my mind that something was not right. Call it mother's intuition.
I had to work the day of the 4th, so I got up and headed for the office. I worked for a plastic surgeon as a receptionist. Our duties consisted of making charts, checking in patients, dealing with insurance and other busy work. Luckily, the responsibilities were not strenuous. Within, an hour of being at the office I started having severe stomach pains. Stomach pains that took my breath. I would have one of these episodes and then stand back up and go about my business. I had 5 of these horrible pains before lunch. After I met my parents for a quick bite I headed back to work. Not really thinking much of what I had endured. Once I returned I started having the pains again. Only this time they were ten times worse than what I had previously experienced. As one of the nurses was walking by she saw me doubled over in pain. She came over to me and asked if I was okay. I said, "I'm fine, I think I have gas." LOL....really, gas? Man, was I wrong! She told me that she thought I needed to go see my OB. His office was in the next building. Looking back, I should have taken the time and listened to her. Instead I called my cousin, who is an OB nurse, and left her a message with my symptoms. I was hoping she could give me some insight into what was going on.
When I finally got off work I headed home. Nate soon followed. When he came in the house I was laying on the couch. Exhausted. He asked if I was okay and I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." A few minutes later Lee-Ann (my wonderful OB cousin who is a nurse) called and said, "You need to get in your car and go to the hospital right now!" I asked, "Why?" She said. "I think you're in preterm labor. You need to go right now." I said, "Okay." During the next few minutes it took me to get my shoes on Lee-Ann had called my Mom and tattled on me. So, the next phone call was my mother telling me, in a very stern voice, to get my butt in the vehicle and go to the hospital. She and my Dad would meet us there. I was still oblivious to what was truly going to be happening over the next few hours. How this little person inside of me would turn my world upside down.
Nate and I got into our car and made it to the hospital. We went to the OB floor, with my parents, and headed for the front desk. I walked up and said, "Lee-Ann thinks I am in preterm labor and she wants one of you to check me." One of girls behind the desk took me to a room and had me change into one of those adorable hospital gowns. She had me lay on the bed and said, "Another nurse will be in shortly." It wasn't 2 minutes and Sue, the other nurse, came in to see what was going on. The next few minutes are something I will never forget. While checking me her face became very concerned. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you are dilated at a 6." I looked at her and said, "What!" She then replied, "Dr. Byrkit is in the building so we're going to have her come up and check you also. We're paging Dr. Tsuda right now." I looked at Nate and he had no expression. We locked eyes and I could see the fear.
Dr. Byrkit was on the OB floor within a flash. She came in like a lightening bolt. Every single person in that room moved out of her way like they were the parted sea. She came to the bedside and checked me. The Dr. looked in my eyes and said, "You're having this baby tonight. You're not dilated 6, you're at a 9." She was gone before I knew it. Sue started my IV and they gave me steroids for Jack's lungs, hoping it would help his outcome a little. By this time, Dr. Tsuda had came in and assessed the situation. He looked at Sue and said, "We need to prep the OR for delivery. Call Dr. Eftekari so he can be here when she delivers." I asked him if I was going to have a C-section. He said. "No, you're going to do it the old fashioned way." And walked out.
My head was spinning. Nate was still sitting beside me. I told him to go out and tell Mom and Dad what was going to be happening. I also asked him to make a few calls to family and friends. He gave me a long kiss on my forehead and left the room. I was alone. I put my hands on my stomach and closed my eyes. Very softly I whispered to Jack, "It's just you and me, baby. You have to be strong for mommy. You have to fight for mommy. You have to live for mommy. I need you to live for mommy." It's unbelievable the peace that overcame me at this point. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't sad. I was ready. I knew I had to be ready.
When the nurses wheeled me out to take me to the OR I saw the faces of my family. My Mom, my Dad, my in-laws. They were all there, but they looked petrified. I saw my cousin, Lee-Ann, and I had comfort when I saw her. She told me that everything was going to be okay. I looked at her and thought, "I know." I was blessed enough to have her in the OR to help me push and get Jack out as quickly as possible. I needed to get him out. At one point I looked at Lee and said, "I'm going to pass out, I'm going to pass out." She firmly said, "No, you're not. You push him out, Brittny. You can do this." After 20 minutes of pushing, at 5:59 pm weighing 2.7 lbs., my reason for being on this Earth came into my world. Dr. Tsuda held Jack up for me to see before they whisked him away to stabilize him. When I saw his face I got a glimpse of perfection at it's finest. He was small but, oh, was he perfect. At that moment I knew exactly what my Mom meant when she said, "You'll never understand how much I love you until you have your own baby." She was so right. I had immediate, unconditional love for this child that had already made me a better person.
Lee-Ann had followed Jack into the level 2 area of the nursery. She back into the OR a few minutes later with tears in her eyes and a big smile. She said, "He cried, Brit." I felt tears well up in my eyes. Jack had listened to his mommy. He was strong, he was brave and he was fighting for his life.
After about an hour we were able to go see Jack in the level 2 nursery. As I held Jack's tiny hand in mine I prayed to myself, "God, you have outdone yourself this time. What ever did I do in my life to deserve the blessing of being this perfect child's mother? Give us strength for what lies ahead of us. Whatever you choose, life or death, for our baby I will praise You and thank You for, at least, having this precious time with him." I think back to those first moments of Jack's life. They were scary. They were uncertain. They were heartbreaking watching Jack fight for his life. They were also joyful. There was thankfulness. Above all else, there was hope and faith. A hope and faith that passes all understanding. A hope and faith that only comes from the one who gives life. Jesus.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Over the moon
A few weeks before we got the big surprise I had been feeling a little under the weather. I kept taking tests thinking to myself, "Maybe I am pregnant." Every single one was a BIG negative. Which anyone who wants to be become pregnant knows, that negative sign is a like being shot in the foot. So, after making the EPT pregnancy test company lots of money I decided that it was time to stop taking a test every single day. I wasn't pregnant.
We had big plans for the weekend of June 4th. Our very good friends, Kristin and Dan, were getting married. Of course, being involved in the wedding we had the rehearsal dinner on that Friday night, June 3rd. I woke up that morning feeling refreshed. I didn't feel sick and had lots of energy. I fed our cat, Beleg, and headed to the bathroom. I thought, "You know, I have one more test in the cabinet and it won't hurt in taking it. You never know." Boy, was I in for a surprise.
After taking the test I sat it on the counter. Beleg HAD to follow me into the bathroom, so I was talking to him. The test was one that had the digital Not pregnant or pregnant screen on it. When I took the test in my hand I froze. It said PREGNANT!!! In big, bold black letters. I almost fell off of the toilet in disbelief. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "YEE HAW." Then stood up with my pants around my ankles and did a happy dance. At this point, Beleg had headed for the hills because I scared him half to death. I then began to weep. I mean weep, like not being able to catch my breath or utter a word.
The next few minutes I remember as if it were yesterday. I put my hands in the air and cried out to God. I said, "Jesus, thank you. Thank you for this life that you placed inside of me. Thank you for the chance to be a mother. Thank you for believing that Nate and I can raise this child to know you. Lord, forgive me for doubting you and your ability to do the impossible. Jesus, you are so good to me." He had done it. He had done the impossible. Even when the doctors said that Nate and I wouldn't be able to this on our own. That day God showed who truly gives life.
After I pulled my pants up (Yes, I did all of the above with my pants around my ankles) I grabbed our cat and squeezed him as hard as I could. I think his eyeballs might have popped out of their sockets. Not sure. I quickly picked up the phone and called the other person that's life was about to change forever. Nate picked up the phone and said, "Hey babe." I just began to cry and said, "I'm pregnant." His next words were, "Are you sure?" I almost wanted to laugh. I said, "Yes, I'm sure. The test was positive." He was thrilled but, I think, a little taken back. We didn't think that this could happen. We never thought in a million years that we would be able to do this on our own. I think, looking back, I put to much trust in what the doctors said then believing that our wonderful savior could do this on HIS own. The only help we needed was trusting the One who gives and takes life.
My favorite versus from the bible are from Psalm 139 13-16:
3 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I believed that my baby was given to me from our beloved Jesus. He had created that miracle inside of me. He had knit that child together in my womb. Above all else, he had fearfully and wonderfully made this little person that I could call my own.
We had big plans for the weekend of June 4th. Our very good friends, Kristin and Dan, were getting married. Of course, being involved in the wedding we had the rehearsal dinner on that Friday night, June 3rd. I woke up that morning feeling refreshed. I didn't feel sick and had lots of energy. I fed our cat, Beleg, and headed to the bathroom. I thought, "You know, I have one more test in the cabinet and it won't hurt in taking it. You never know." Boy, was I in for a surprise.
After taking the test I sat it on the counter. Beleg HAD to follow me into the bathroom, so I was talking to him. The test was one that had the digital Not pregnant or pregnant screen on it. When I took the test in my hand I froze. It said PREGNANT!!! In big, bold black letters. I almost fell off of the toilet in disbelief. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "YEE HAW." Then stood up with my pants around my ankles and did a happy dance. At this point, Beleg had headed for the hills because I scared him half to death. I then began to weep. I mean weep, like not being able to catch my breath or utter a word.
The next few minutes I remember as if it were yesterday. I put my hands in the air and cried out to God. I said, "Jesus, thank you. Thank you for this life that you placed inside of me. Thank you for the chance to be a mother. Thank you for believing that Nate and I can raise this child to know you. Lord, forgive me for doubting you and your ability to do the impossible. Jesus, you are so good to me." He had done it. He had done the impossible. Even when the doctors said that Nate and I wouldn't be able to this on our own. That day God showed who truly gives life.
After I pulled my pants up (Yes, I did all of the above with my pants around my ankles) I grabbed our cat and squeezed him as hard as I could. I think his eyeballs might have popped out of their sockets. Not sure. I quickly picked up the phone and called the other person that's life was about to change forever. Nate picked up the phone and said, "Hey babe." I just began to cry and said, "I'm pregnant." His next words were, "Are you sure?" I almost wanted to laugh. I said, "Yes, I'm sure. The test was positive." He was thrilled but, I think, a little taken back. We didn't think that this could happen. We never thought in a million years that we would be able to do this on our own. I think, looking back, I put to much trust in what the doctors said then believing that our wonderful savior could do this on HIS own. The only help we needed was trusting the One who gives and takes life.
My favorite versus from the bible are from Psalm 139 13-16:
3 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I believed that my baby was given to me from our beloved Jesus. He had created that miracle inside of me. He had knit that child together in my womb. Above all else, he had fearfully and wonderfully made this little person that I could call my own.
The seed is planted
We had planned to be in Pensacola for a few days for the wedding. What a nice getaway before our lives would change forever. I was excited to see my family and celebrate my cousin's big day. We had the absolute best time. Being able to relax for a few days without the hopeless feeling was unbelievable. I kept telling myself, "Everything is working out. God has allowed us to get an appointment very quickly with one of the best specialists. This is going to work." I honestly thought it would.
We got home from Florida on a Monday. Our appointment was scheduled for that Wednesday. So, all day Tuesday I was going out of mind. Excited, scared, thrilled, anxious and above all, ready to be pregnant. I, of course, had been praying that God would give Dr. Jarrett the wisdom and guidance to help us. I knew this was God's plan for us. I knew He wouldn't have made it so easy for us to get an appointment if He didn't want this man here on Earth to help us. I knew he would'nt have allowed our insurance to pay most of the infertility treatments if this wasn't His plan. Right?
I had previously talked with the woman in the office that took care of all the insurance needs. She had said that our insurance was a provider and so there wouldn't be any need to pay the day of our appointment. We would be billed for our co pay at a later time. She said to call the morning of the appointment and she would take a little info over the phone before we got there. That way the Dr. could see us sooner. I said, "Sounds like a plan."
Wednesday morning I was at peace. Nate and I had breakfast, got ready and hopped in the car to head to Champaign. We had to stop for gas before we left town, so I used that opportunity to call the office and follow the directions that I was given. I was put on hold while they were taking care of another patient. When the receptionist finally came back on the line these were her exact words, "I'm sorry, but after doing more investigation into your insurance we discovered that we are not a provider here in Illinois. We do except your insurance at our Indiana office." She said, "You will have to bring $250 with you if you want to be seen by the Dr."
I was completely silent. At this point, Nate had returned to the car. He got in and looked at me. He could tell something was not right. I looked at him with sadness and shook my head no. I told the nurse that we would have to reevaluate our situation and call back back at a later time. She said, "That's fine. Just let us know when we can try to help you again."
Once we got home, I went directly to our bedroom. I didn't take off my coat. I didn't take off my shoes. I curled onto our bed and wept. I thought, "Why is this over? How I am possibly going to have a baby if I don't have a doctor to help? I'm never going to be a mother. We were depending on insurance to help us. We don't have thousands of dollars to spend on treatments. I only have 6 months to have baby before my body completely fails me. I thought you were working this out, God. I thought you had this covered." That was the first of many pity parties that I would partake in over the next 6yrs.
Looking back I know what God was doing. Had we went to that appointment we would have wasted money. We would have wasted gas and would have wasted our time. You see, 5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. That was God's plan!
We got home from Florida on a Monday. Our appointment was scheduled for that Wednesday. So, all day Tuesday I was going out of mind. Excited, scared, thrilled, anxious and above all, ready to be pregnant. I, of course, had been praying that God would give Dr. Jarrett the wisdom and guidance to help us. I knew this was God's plan for us. I knew He wouldn't have made it so easy for us to get an appointment if He didn't want this man here on Earth to help us. I knew he would'nt have allowed our insurance to pay most of the infertility treatments if this wasn't His plan. Right?
I had previously talked with the woman in the office that took care of all the insurance needs. She had said that our insurance was a provider and so there wouldn't be any need to pay the day of our appointment. We would be billed for our co pay at a later time. She said to call the morning of the appointment and she would take a little info over the phone before we got there. That way the Dr. could see us sooner. I said, "Sounds like a plan."
Wednesday morning I was at peace. Nate and I had breakfast, got ready and hopped in the car to head to Champaign. We had to stop for gas before we left town, so I used that opportunity to call the office and follow the directions that I was given. I was put on hold while they were taking care of another patient. When the receptionist finally came back on the line these were her exact words, "I'm sorry, but after doing more investigation into your insurance we discovered that we are not a provider here in Illinois. We do except your insurance at our Indiana office." She said, "You will have to bring $250 with you if you want to be seen by the Dr."
I was completely silent. At this point, Nate had returned to the car. He got in and looked at me. He could tell something was not right. I looked at him with sadness and shook my head no. I told the nurse that we would have to reevaluate our situation and call back back at a later time. She said, "That's fine. Just let us know when we can try to help you again."
Once we got home, I went directly to our bedroom. I didn't take off my coat. I didn't take off my shoes. I curled onto our bed and wept. I thought, "Why is this over? How I am possibly going to have a baby if I don't have a doctor to help? I'm never going to be a mother. We were depending on insurance to help us. We don't have thousands of dollars to spend on treatments. I only have 6 months to have baby before my body completely fails me. I thought you were working this out, God. I thought you had this covered." That was the first of many pity parties that I would partake in over the next 6yrs.
Looking back I know what God was doing. Had we went to that appointment we would have wasted money. We would have wasted gas and would have wasted our time. You see, 5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. That was God's plan!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Journey begins
My doctor had always told me it wouldn't be an easy situation. At one point, in fact, she told she didn't think I would ever be able to have children. "Wow, really?, the only thing I have ever wanted to be in my life, and it's already over." I know for some 15 yr. olds it's not a big deal to hear, at that point, that you might never be a mother. For me, it was heart wrenching. How could this be over before it ever began?
Fast forward 6 yrs. when Nate and I actually started talking about having a family. I had chosen another OB, at this point, because I thought he would be able to help me. Maybe he could shed some new light on my condition that was never going to make me a mother. The appointment went well, but some new information was giving to me that rather surprised me. He told me that I had a very short window of time to conceive. Possibly 6 months before my baby factory was completely out of business. He told me to go on as normal and he would make us an appointment with an infertility specialist. He said, "There's nothing more that I can do."
We had plans to go to Florida a few weeks later for my cousin, Gentry's wedding. I was so excited to get away and take my mind off of my failing body. The Dr. had made us the appointment with the specialist, so I felt very at peace with everything. I felt like this was our last adventure before we put our big people pants on and welcomed our bun in the oven. Boy, was I so wrong about the adventure part. The adventure had just begun.
Fast forward 6 yrs. when Nate and I actually started talking about having a family. I had chosen another OB, at this point, because I thought he would be able to help me. Maybe he could shed some new light on my condition that was never going to make me a mother. The appointment went well, but some new information was giving to me that rather surprised me. He told me that I had a very short window of time to conceive. Possibly 6 months before my baby factory was completely out of business. He told me to go on as normal and he would make us an appointment with an infertility specialist. He said, "There's nothing more that I can do."
We had plans to go to Florida a few weeks later for my cousin, Gentry's wedding. I was so excited to get away and take my mind off of my failing body. The Dr. had made us the appointment with the specialist, so I felt very at peace with everything. I felt like this was our last adventure before we put our big people pants on and welcomed our bun in the oven. Boy, was I so wrong about the adventure part. The adventure had just begun.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
July 22, 2003
My parents had been praying for my future spouse since I was born. They had prayed that God would protect and keep him until the day we met. They prayed that God would prepare his heart for me and that he would be a man seeking after God. At the age when I understood that I would grow up and get married I, too, started praying for my husband. At that time I didn't know who he was, but it made feel excited about the fact that somewhere in the world I was praying for the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.
Once I reached 20, I knew I didn't want to casually date. I was seeking after God daily in prayer asking Him to bring my husband into my life. I had never met this man, but I missed him. I longed for him. I wanted to start me life with him. Only God knew that shortly after turning 20 I would meet and fall in love with my best friend.
I remember the night we met like it was yesterday. Turning down Rachel and Robert's street praying that if this guy was who God had intended for me that I would know when I looked in his eyes to say hello. Believe it or not, when he entered the house we locked eyes and I knew. This was the man I had been waiting for. This was the man that my parents prayed for. This was the man that I had missed and longed for. This was it.
After the evening was over, I went home. I entered the house and went to my parents room. I fell on their bed and sighed. I said very simply, "I met my husband tonight." And that was it. We started dating officially August 16, 2003 and became engaged on October 15, 2003. We were married the following year on August 21, 2004. When I tell people our story they always look a little taken back. I think because it moved rather quickly. But, I always say, "When you know, you know." I truly believe because I had been in prayer about this part of my life and trusting that God would bless me, He gave me the knowledge on that July evening of who I would spend my life with.
So, Nate. This is the name of the man that I have been blessed to call my husband. He is truly his own man. He doesn't apologize for his feelings, he is strong in his faith and he protects those he loves. People that first meet him always say, "He doesn't talk much, does he?" I always tell them I talk enough for both of us! :) The thing I love most about this man is his commitment to me. I have not always been the best wife or friend. I have not honored and respected him in the way he deserves. But, even in those very difficult days in our marriage his loyalty to me is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I don't think another man in this world could handle what I put him through. He will never understand the depth of my love and respect for him.
The way Nate has loved and forgiven me reminds me of God's love and forgiveness for all of us. Even when we daily fail Him, disrespect His sacrifice for us and throw His blessings in His face, God is loyal because He created and loves us. We don't deserve His love and forgiveness, but He gives it as a free gift if we'll take it.
Once I reached 20, I knew I didn't want to casually date. I was seeking after God daily in prayer asking Him to bring my husband into my life. I had never met this man, but I missed him. I longed for him. I wanted to start me life with him. Only God knew that shortly after turning 20 I would meet and fall in love with my best friend.
I remember the night we met like it was yesterday. Turning down Rachel and Robert's street praying that if this guy was who God had intended for me that I would know when I looked in his eyes to say hello. Believe it or not, when he entered the house we locked eyes and I knew. This was the man I had been waiting for. This was the man that my parents prayed for. This was the man that I had missed and longed for. This was it.
After the evening was over, I went home. I entered the house and went to my parents room. I fell on their bed and sighed. I said very simply, "I met my husband tonight." And that was it. We started dating officially August 16, 2003 and became engaged on October 15, 2003. We were married the following year on August 21, 2004. When I tell people our story they always look a little taken back. I think because it moved rather quickly. But, I always say, "When you know, you know." I truly believe because I had been in prayer about this part of my life and trusting that God would bless me, He gave me the knowledge on that July evening of who I would spend my life with.
So, Nate. This is the name of the man that I have been blessed to call my husband. He is truly his own man. He doesn't apologize for his feelings, he is strong in his faith and he protects those he loves. People that first meet him always say, "He doesn't talk much, does he?" I always tell them I talk enough for both of us! :) The thing I love most about this man is his commitment to me. I have not always been the best wife or friend. I have not honored and respected him in the way he deserves. But, even in those very difficult days in our marriage his loyalty to me is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I don't think another man in this world could handle what I put him through. He will never understand the depth of my love and respect for him.
The way Nate has loved and forgiven me reminds me of God's love and forgiveness for all of us. Even when we daily fail Him, disrespect His sacrifice for us and throw His blessings in His face, God is loyal because He created and loves us. We don't deserve His love and forgiveness, but He gives it as a free gift if we'll take it.
Here we go...
My journey starts 23 years ago when I was just 5. I was a little girl who didn't dream of being a doctor, a teacher or a lawyer. My aspirations were to marry the man that God had made just for me. We would be so in love, so happy. My tall, dark and handsome man would go to work and I would stay at home with our 4 children. I would have the perfect husband, perfect house and perfect children. Let's just say that what I thought God would give me, wasn't what He wanted to give me.
I wanted to start this blog because through my journey to motherhood it has been difficult, heartbreaking and sad. There have been many times during the last 6 years that I didn't understand God's plan for my family. But I also discovered God in a new way. His love is unfailing, He is merciful, forgiving and SO good to His children. I don't question Him any longer. I have learned to say, "It is well with my soul."
I feel that through the ashes God has brought beauty into my life. I see His beauty everyday in the faces of my husband and my miracle boy, Jack. I don't think I would have such an understanding of who God is, if He hadn't allowed me to experience the last 6 years of my life. I wouldn't appreciate my husband, my child and most of all, my Jesus. So, this is going to be a place to share my journey. Here we go...
I wanted to start this blog because through my journey to motherhood it has been difficult, heartbreaking and sad. There have been many times during the last 6 years that I didn't understand God's plan for my family. But I also discovered God in a new way. His love is unfailing, He is merciful, forgiving and SO good to His children. I don't question Him any longer. I have learned to say, "It is well with my soul."
I feel that through the ashes God has brought beauty into my life. I see His beauty everyday in the faces of my husband and my miracle boy, Jack. I don't think I would have such an understanding of who God is, if He hadn't allowed me to experience the last 6 years of my life. I wouldn't appreciate my husband, my child and most of all, my Jesus. So, this is going to be a place to share my journey. Here we go...
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