Connection

I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. All the lingo and fancy words the staff were using were too much for my brain to understand. Dr. Harris was throwing all of the medical terms around like Nate and I were supposed to know what he was talking about. The nurse standing beside me could see the terrified look on my face. She turned to me and said, "I know it seems like a lot right now, but it will get easier to understand what we are conveying to you. Just know, that Jack is in the best hands." Dr. Harris then took a breath and said, "We are concerned because Jack is very sick right now. We don't know what is causing his white blood count to be so high. I'm doing everything I can to figure it out." I thought to myself, "I have to trust this man. I have to know that God placed Jack here to get the best medical care possible." So, that's what we did. We trusted that God would use Dr. Harris' knowledge to help our baby.

Sunday morning I was trying to on all the clothes I had brought with me. My Mom looked at me and said, "Honey, we really need to go." I said, "I know, I just want to look my best for Jack." She giggled and said, "I think he will like whatever you decide to wear." My parents, Nate and I piled into the car and headed for the hospital. After a restless nights sleep I was so ready to see Jack. I couldn't wait to slip my hands through the sides of his isolette and caress his face. I wanted him to know that I hadn't left him. I wanted him to be reassured that his mommy and daddy were there with him.

Once we received our badges we got into the elevator and rode up to the NICU floor. We stepped off and checked into the front desk. After a few minutes the receptionist told us we could go back. As we rounded the corner to the C room I saw Jack's isolette. I took a deep breath and walked up to his side. I put my hands on top of the plastic and smiled. There he was. Still perfect, still alive. The nurse came up beside me and introduced herself. She said, "My name is Carolyn and I'm going to be Jack's nurse today. We have a big surprise for you. We would like for you to try to hold him today." Tears welled up in my eyes. I replied, "I'm actually going to be able to hold my baby?" Carolyn said, "Yes, we don't know how long he'll be able to stand being out of the isolette but we would like to try."

Carolyn pulled a chair over to the side of Jack's isolette. She had me sit down and ready myself for the moment that I had been waiting for. Carolyn and another nurse opened the side door of the isolette and started getting Jack ready to place in my arms. The transfer from isolette to Mommy's arms is very tricky. Jack had an IV, NG tube(eventually was used for feedings), leads on his chest and the pulse ox(monitors the amount of oxygen in the blood). The hardest piece of equipment to get around was the intubation tube. This tube was Jack's lifeline. The nurses took a few extra minutes to make sure that everything was in place for the big move. Carolyn looked at me and said, "Are you ready?" I took a deep breath and replied," You have no idea how ready I am."

Carolyn put both of her hands under Jack's body and lifted him. The other nurse took hold of the intubation tube. They counted to three and raised Jack out of the isolette. I lifted my arms to meet his small body and cradled him against my chest. I closed my eyes and began to cry. How do I describe the magnitude of that moment? That moment when I had my 2 lb. baby boy in my arms for the first time. The overwhelming feeling of gratitude to God for the few minutes that I had to hold my child. Not knowing what the future held for Jack, I knew those minutes that I was able to have him in my arms were priceless. There was nothing that could replace them.

After five minutes of holding Jack, Carolyn told me it was time to place him back into the isolette. His pulse ox was showing that it was causing him some stress so the nurses took him out of my arms and placed him in his bed. It was bittersweet. On one hand, I was so thankful that I was able to hold him. I was able to connect with him on a different level. On the other hand, I was a little disheartened. It was tough that someone had to tell me when I could hold my baby and for how long. That was when I had the first taste of feeling out of control when it came to caring for my child. As a parent, you want to be able pick up your baby up whenever you want. You want to be able to change their diaper and feed them when they need it. You want them to fall asleep on your chest and feel them take each breath.

It's difficult to watch from the sidelines as someone else cares for your child. The NICU world is not something I wish for anyone. It's heartbreaking, sad, confusing and emotionally exhausting. However, there is also glimpses of hope. Hearing from the nurses that your baby gained an ounce in weight, changing their diaper with help from the staff, taking their clothes back to the Ronald McDonald house and washing them in Dreft, sitting by their isolette watching them take each breath. Most of all, the times when you have your baby placed in your arms and hold them to your chest so they can hear the sound that became so familiar. Their mommy's heartbeat. Thank you, Jesus, for those small glimpses of hope.